You Can't Always Get What You Want

But you get what you need. One of the BEST music lines of all time - no question. And since I have enviously been viewing so many Stones pics thought I would throw it in there. Over the last month, I have been missing NY, my friends and my family. I guess that was to be expected but it still took me by surprise. I am currently on a business trip as is usually the case I have had some time to reflect on the VERY LONG flight here and while I lay awake in my massive hotel room. Two years ago if you asked me what I would be doing in two years there is no way I would have ever thought this would be my life. It's not what I THOUGHT I wanted

As it turns out though - it's exactly what I needed and in turn what I want now. It's funny how that happens. What I wanted was a big job, to live in the city forever and maybe have a kid. What I really needed was the exact opposite (except maybe the child part). I needed a break from working the way I was working. I needed to not live to work. I needed, as it turns out, to leave the city in order to appreciate it even more.  I needed to slow down and I needed to lose myself a little in order to find myself.

The more I tell little bits of my story and watch peoples reactions the more I realize how very lucky I am. A very random meeting on a beach changed my life forever. Now that all the whirlwind of it is over, this is my new life and I am one lucky lady. I needed the love of a good man to realize I didn't need all of what I have left behind. I needed to slow down and step away to realize, I actually do love to work but I don't need to have THAT job. I just need to like what I am doing and like the people I am doing it with - even if I don't always LOVE it. It's still work but you have to like it in order to appreciate it.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and it hasn't been easy. I am living a very different life than I have lived. It's hard - new country, language and way of life.  I would have never in a million years thought leaving the city I loved, the work I thought I thrived on and a lifestyle that was constant go would be the things I didn't need because it's what I wanted. Yet the entire time I have been in San Francisco - a city that love almost as much as New York - I have just wanted to go home and home is now wherever my husband is.

We haven't had an easy month of getting used to living together and altering our lives but these few days apart have made me realize how badly I need my new life. I miss him more right now than I have missed him before. I can't believe for the last year and half we spent so much time apart - it feels wasted now. A note to some of my dear friends that are probably also missing then men they love - you know who you are.  Don't waste time, yes you will miss things but I can tell you from being on the other side of this now - its all sooooo worth it. I have everything I need and it's on a tiny island too far away from me right now.

Home Sweet Home

Well ok, it's not done yet but little by little we are getting there. This morning I got a great present from my husband - he actually said he liked the changes and the apartment is starting to feel nicer. He has no idea how AWESOME that made me feel. Just three weeks ago almost every suggestion I made was met with a very skeptic look and often followed by a not so subtle reminder that I wasn't allowed to throw anything out. So you can see how this little appreciation made me VERY happy. All I really want is to feel at home.

This comes after a week of ups and downs when it came to us settling into living together. The downs were mostly on my end and mostly due to lack of patience and feeling displaced. The reality is  I haven't really had A HOME for the last six months or so. Once I moved out of my apartment, I was splitting time with my parents and here, two places I was very comfortable in but neither were my home. I think this limbo caused me to try and force the issue faster than I should have.

The reality is I am suffering a little from homesickness. This place is gorgeous and peaceful and wonderful but couldn't be more different for me if it was another planet. I'm somewhat isolated in that I work from home so I don't really have any opportunity to meet people other than at the dive center or directly through my husband. That's not me generally. I am outgoing and have always made friends easily so to be somewhere without friends of my own is really tough. I know I have my friends still but I can't call any of them up and grab a glass, ok a bottle of wine with.

I didn't expect that. I mean I knew I would miss people but I was so excited to get here and start our life together I didn't think about everything I was leaving behind. I knew I would miss my family and friends but I didn't realize I how much. It's a lot harder than I thought. Don't get me wrong - not one iota of regret here. I wouldn't change a darn thing (except maybe would have moved sooner).

So it becomes about the apartment and making it a home. Seeing me reflected in it a bit more and just making it little nicer. It started with a vacuum and mop (so boring I know) but today is the first day I really see all the little "upgrades" starting to take shape. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. I guess the same will go for my adjustment. I won't feel at home here today or tomorrow but soon.

Little by Little

I am sitting on my terrace overlooking Gustavia Harbor and am alone and it's quiet and I am fully content. I just completed my first holiday away from what I have called home for so many years. I was indulged by several friends and my husband who all joined me here for my first Thanksgiving and it was really a lovely holiday weekend.

The first two weeks have not been easy as I make my transition from guest to resident. I think my diving experience is a good analogy for what I have been going through. My first time back in the water was rough - there was an unexpected swell and I got tossed around the reef as if I was in the washing machine's spin cycle - for the first time in my life I was really scared in the water. The last few outings however were significantly better - I was comfortable and felt a state of complete bliss.

The same way I got through that first dive is how I got through the last two weeks that had several challenges thrown at me. I survived getting the kitchen and bedroom in order, buying the wrong butter (a mortal sin apparently) and a coconut allergy attack that happened at one of our favorite restaurants that had my skin basically on fire. But we are still learning to live together and roll with life's little adventures.

My mission before the end of the year now is to make this apartment into OUR home. Two men lived here previous to my moving in so it definitely needed woman's touch. Thankfully, I actually enjoy doing a lot of what needs to be done, we have a landlord that is open to making repairs and upgrades without fuss, and although it would be insane to bring MY things here, I have found a few stores that don't rob their clientele blind.

The kitchen and bedrooms are almost complete, the bathrooms have been made to sparkle and the living room - well we'll get to that soon. We are each taking on little things that we don't like to so as to please each other - he does the dishes and I cook food that is not really my favorite all the time. The most important thing is that we really do love each other - and I see it more and more every day - especially when things aren't going smoothly.

So I'll deal with scuba equipment in the living room for a LITTLE while longer and he'll eat some veggies and learn that I'll make a few mistakes when trying to read the french labels. It's what life is all about. Rome wasn't built in a day and this apartment will take some time to get in order. We are apparently a lot more patient than either of us ever thought.

The First Days Are the Hardest Days

Well we made it. My dog and I with the help of a dear friend arrived in St Barth after a long day of traveling and putting once and for all to rest all the things I was having panic attacks about - as it relates to her anyway. I have to give my dog credit - she was a total champ on the plane - not a whimper. Once we got here, she is quickly adapting to a new freedom she never really had. Her mom....well she's trying to learn patience.

I have been so displaced for so long that I guess part of me was hoping I could get here, unpack, run to the store to pick up a few things and voila I would be settled....not so fast. You see like any move, nothing is going quite as smoothly as I would like it. Plus we do actually still have everyday life to contend with. Despite popular belief we both do work - and work a lot more than I thought we would have to. He's getting his business ready for the busiest time of the year, with a new partner and I actually have two clients both at peak times.

I have found myself "nagging" more than I would like to admit. It's not that my husband is actually doing anything wrong, its just that I want to be settled, I want crap put away and I want this place to feel like I actually live here. For those of you unaware - there were two single men living here before I got here so there is a bit to do. Before you all go saying be patient - it's only been a couple of days - I am fully aware that I am being completely irrational. That doesn't mean I am going to be happy about it. My husband's patience with me has been exceptional - and he is NOT a patient person. I think he realizes my nagging and frustration isn't really at him (I hope he does anyway) but more about that this is all very new for me.

While I may not have had the easiest adjustment  little miss is adjusting JUST FINE.  I was soooo worried she'd hate it, wouldn't listen to Didier, and would be a nervous wreck because let's face it she tends to get nervous. Nope, little miss is seems to be loving life. She loves being off-leash most of the time, she quickly figured out her new routines, and seems to not have a care in the world. She has a playmate and apparently no longer any interest in me when my husband is around. She follows him around like he were a bag of treats. She's a total traitor, and I actually think that is kind of awesome.

Watching her the last two days seem so at home despite the fact that there is no way she actually could understand why this was all happening put a few things into perspective for me. The stuff will eventually get put away, I can go shopping and buy the things I need, and little by little this will feel more like my home. I moved here for a very good reason. It's a great place to live, my life quality is improved, and I love my husband more every day. Today I shop...tonight my husband sees the output - let's see if he still love me so much :)

Leavin' On a Jet Plane

Don't know when I'll be back again..... Dorky Secret: for years every time got on a plane that song pops into my head, this time when it does it will be more true than it ever has been. Today is my last day here for a while and I am freakishly calm. I mean hey - the last few weeks couldn't have been more eventful - hurricane, massive blackouts, nor'easter..,4 more years, a pot's legal in 2 states, more states embracing equality...found family time, found friend time, found work time.

All of this time also gave me time to think about the last 16 years and NYC and my time here. So many memories, more good than bad. So many things I took for granted - but what New Yorker doesn't have that list. So I want to use this post to write about the things I will miss most, in no particular order. Some will be obvious some will be silly and others are surprising - even to me.

1. Being surrounded my family and friends whenever I need or want to be
2. Sunday dinners at my parents with fresh mozzarella, foccacia and italian cold cuts
3. Wine with friends just because we have wine
4. NYC brunch - there is nothing quite like it 
5. Central Park & Riverside Park with the other dog walkers in the morning
6. The Boat Basin in spring and summer, Lela Bar for drinks after work, Bin 71 
7. Delivery services
8. The NYC skyline
9. Regular trips out west 
10. Farmer's markets, Whole Foods, and Korean Delis
11. Changing seasons - Green leaves, colored leaves, buds and snow covered branches
12. Those perfect fall and spring days - when the temperature is JUST RIGHT
13. Mexican food, thai food, chinese food....these are things that aren't exactly easy to find there
14. Hulu, Netflix and guilty TV pleasures
15. Yankee Stadium

But so many things I have to look forward to and can't wait to find more things to love about a my new home. I know it won't always be easy and I fully expect to feel homesick from time to time. I am approaching this as a new phase in my life with hope and excitement - which is probably a very good thing. Going forward i expect this blog to be more about Island life, me adjusting, and hopefully someday about having a baby.

For now, I saw farewell to my first real love NYC. You are and always will be the most amazing city in the world in my eyes. You are the people that live and breath everyday. You are hard and cold and warm and welcoming. I will miss you but never forget you.

Au revoir.....

A Moment to Think

Sorry for the quiet - it's been an interesting few weeks...

"How often do we get the gift of time?" That's what one of my friends said this past week. First off, leave it to this particular friend to find the silver lining in all this mess that Sandy left behind. But more importantly - think about it. For those of us lucky enough to have power loss be the worst that happen to us, what did you do with that time. I like many was without power for several days. It wasn't easy but even though I couldn't see the news I had enough resources to hear what they were saying on the radio and was catching what else was going on through Twitter & Facebook.

Sandy was something I think few of us expected. She was big enough to kill power for over 6 million homes, she wiped out entire communities, she even managed to cancel Halloween AND the NYC Marathon - that #)($%@ Many people I know lost a lot more than their power for a few days, and these are the same people that are out there helping others. You are my heros.

But Sandy gave me a gift I wasn't expecting during my last few days here, time with my family and time with some friends that I wasn't sure I would get to see. Actual TIME. Time where we had nothing to do but sit around and talk. My family didn't have power or heat - so we spent a few days all curled up around the fireplace. We played games, we talked and we went to bed early. When will I have that opportunity again?

After four days with no power I finally was able to get someplace with power and got to spend some real quality time with some friends. Everyone was full of stories of now power but no one really complained - knowing how lucky we really were. We got to talk, drink wine, eat - boy did we eat - and just hang out. Most of the area didn't have power, public transportation was tough to find so we just spent time together.

I leave on Saturday and honestly do not know when I will be returning to the area - at few times a year for certain but I really can't predict at this point. So while she was a major pain in the you know where, she gave me a few extra memories that I wouldn't have had otherwise. So I will take the silver lining and thank her for the gift of time.

No Such Thing as "Perfect"

Jealousy, it's an ugly word. At one point in our lives we all experience it. There are all sorts of things people can be jealous about - material things, lifestyles, etc. There are times I have DEFINITELY been jealous of people I know or have known for a variety of things. The thing is that most of the time people don't come out and admit that they are jealous - they just do or say things that aren't very nice or supportive. A few people have warned me that folks might be jealous of my new life. This news is not surprising but it also does hurt.

Sometimes that jealousy makes sense on the surface but sometimes it's just what it is - jealously. The reality is that while my new life IS pretty fantastic, no life is perfect. Like many things in this world, what you see on the surface is not what lies beneath. While yes, there may be aspects people are envious of, there are many challenges that come with my current happiness. Yes, I married a man that I am madly in love with and he is madly in love with me. It's all I EVER wanted was real love and I feel lucky to have found it. We had some pretty spectacular celebrations of that love with some of the folks that mean the most to us. And I am moving to paradise and a much easier way of living. On the surface there is a lot to be jealous of, I guess.

But I wish folks would realize that this didn't just happen and none of it is as easy breezy as it sounds. With the move to paradise I leave behind most of my loved ones and while I love my husband so very very much there is a certain isolation that I feel when I am there, I am still adjusting to that. There is a lot to be said about having family and close friends nearby. I am slowly making friends but with the language issues it's still a challenge. Then there's that adjustment of leaving the city to a an island that has fewer people on it than any NYC zip code.

There is the change of direction with career - this has also been a HUGE change for me. I am no longer making the money I once was and my level of responsibility has changed. This is huge adjustment for me mentally. I keep saying I will come back and find something - but I really don't know what the future brings. This level of uncertainty is difficult. I also have no guarantees that I will be able to keep up the consulting when I am there. I have faith in myself but being in another country may make it difficult this is a real fear I live with every day.

And of course we have our separations still. We have been married less than 2 months and have spent more nights apart than together - I can't even describe how difficult this is for us. All I want every day is to be near the man I married and for most of the time we are thousands of miles apart. Then there are other more personal and painful challenges I am not ready to talk about. Those closest to me probably know what I am getting at here. I'll talk about here when I am ready I'm just not yet. Suffice it to say that getting everything you want is not easy or guaranteed.

I am telling you all this not for sympathy - please that would be ABSURD - but as a reminder that NOTHING is as easy as it seems. For every amazing thing that has happened there are effects that bring significant challenges.  Yes I am VERY VERY HAPPY this is true, but by no means is life "perfect." So next time you feel that feeling of jealousy over something or someone - just stop and think for a few seconds that maybe with that joy there are challenges and that person you are jealous of may need your support now more than ever.