Tis the Season

Like everything else here, time of year very different from what I am used to "back home." I have actually been waiting for the next two weeks here for a very a long time because from what I hear it's something to see and experience. I have to admit, it's been very hard for me to get into the "Holiday Spirit" this year. Maybe it's the 80 degree temperatures or the lack of constant Christmas music or the barrage of Christmas ads on TV. But it definitely feels like there is something in the air. It's not exactly a Christmas spirit but it's no less alive and very very obvious.

Here the words "The Season" while its very related to Christmas & New Years on the calendar means something completely different. When the rest of the world is celebrating the end of the year, here it's essentially the beginning. The big boats started to arrive a couple of weeks ago but as of this morning, the harbor is almost full. The world largest yacht The Eclipse is here and you hear more English and Russian being spoken than French. "The Season" has officially started - which means this is the St Barth you read about.

It's been amazing to watch the slow transformation from small local community to an island filled with tourists. Most of these tourists aren't your typical tourist, this isn't their first holiday in St Barth and they like to make it clear that they know the Island. When I arrived in early November it was quiet - really really quiet. Not even all the folks that live here had returned from the mass exodus that happens in September & October - the height of hurricane season here. There was Thanksgiving week where we got a sneak peak at what was about to happen, but I can already see it doesn't compare to the next two weeks. Where everything is elevated - there is a "buzz" in the air.

The staffs at restaurants and hotels are increased and the level of service is raised everywhere. I have been watching my husband and his business partner slowly gearing up waiting for what's about to happen. They are already getting the private dives - and have more than one booking a day and the emails and calls are coming in at a quicker pace. For me this is fun to witness as it's the opposite of what I am used to. I'm used to coasting through these two weeks, doing a little work but really catching up on the news and some good books. This year though I am looking forward to making myself useful, if possible, with their business. Whether it's to help them get ready for large groups, answer some emails or just be an extra pair of hands when possible. I will work this holiday season in one way shape or form if I can.

But what's happen around the island, well, it really is something to see. The wealthiest of the wealthy will be here - forget the 1% this is the .001%. To give you context - I said something about Romney and his yacht the other day and the comment I got back was "He's not SO wealthy." Yep, a world where one of the symbols of wealth isn't considered wealthy - that kind of wealth. There are some of the yachts in the harbor cost more than $500 m to build - and they only represent one of the owners toys.  Of course not everyone that comes is on a yacht - most rent villas or stay in hotels. But they are still spend a pretty penny to be here these two weeks and it becomes a bit of a playground.

It's such a contrast to my holidays back home. I miss the holiday parties and will certainly miss Christmas Eve at my parents. I won't however miss New Year's Eve in NYC - never was a fan. It's very different, not bad just different. I don't have a Christmas Tree and all my decorations are in a storage unit. And while I used to dream of a "White Christmas" well the white sand beaches are a perfectly acceptable substitute. I am however looking forward to living it as a local, that's what I am now and I think I am finally feeling like one!

Happy Holidays all!!!!!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

But you get what you need. One of the BEST music lines of all time - no question. And since I have enviously been viewing so many Stones pics thought I would throw it in there. Over the last month, I have been missing NY, my friends and my family. I guess that was to be expected but it still took me by surprise. I am currently on a business trip as is usually the case I have had some time to reflect on the VERY LONG flight here and while I lay awake in my massive hotel room. Two years ago if you asked me what I would be doing in two years there is no way I would have ever thought this would be my life. It's not what I THOUGHT I wanted

As it turns out though - it's exactly what I needed and in turn what I want now. It's funny how that happens. What I wanted was a big job, to live in the city forever and maybe have a kid. What I really needed was the exact opposite (except maybe the child part). I needed a break from working the way I was working. I needed to not live to work. I needed, as it turns out, to leave the city in order to appreciate it even more.  I needed to slow down and I needed to lose myself a little in order to find myself.

The more I tell little bits of my story and watch peoples reactions the more I realize how very lucky I am. A very random meeting on a beach changed my life forever. Now that all the whirlwind of it is over, this is my new life and I am one lucky lady. I needed the love of a good man to realize I didn't need all of what I have left behind. I needed to slow down and step away to realize, I actually do love to work but I don't need to have THAT job. I just need to like what I am doing and like the people I am doing it with - even if I don't always LOVE it. It's still work but you have to like it in order to appreciate it.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and it hasn't been easy. I am living a very different life than I have lived. It's hard - new country, language and way of life.  I would have never in a million years thought leaving the city I loved, the work I thought I thrived on and a lifestyle that was constant go would be the things I didn't need because it's what I wanted. Yet the entire time I have been in San Francisco - a city that love almost as much as New York - I have just wanted to go home and home is now wherever my husband is.

We haven't had an easy month of getting used to living together and altering our lives but these few days apart have made me realize how badly I need my new life. I miss him more right now than I have missed him before. I can't believe for the last year and half we spent so much time apart - it feels wasted now. A note to some of my dear friends that are probably also missing then men they love - you know who you are.  Don't waste time, yes you will miss things but I can tell you from being on the other side of this now - its all sooooo worth it. I have everything I need and it's on a tiny island too far away from me right now.

Home Sweet Home

Well ok, it's not done yet but little by little we are getting there. This morning I got a great present from my husband - he actually said he liked the changes and the apartment is starting to feel nicer. He has no idea how AWESOME that made me feel. Just three weeks ago almost every suggestion I made was met with a very skeptic look and often followed by a not so subtle reminder that I wasn't allowed to throw anything out. So you can see how this little appreciation made me VERY happy. All I really want is to feel at home.

This comes after a week of ups and downs when it came to us settling into living together. The downs were mostly on my end and mostly due to lack of patience and feeling displaced. The reality is  I haven't really had A HOME for the last six months or so. Once I moved out of my apartment, I was splitting time with my parents and here, two places I was very comfortable in but neither were my home. I think this limbo caused me to try and force the issue faster than I should have.

The reality is I am suffering a little from homesickness. This place is gorgeous and peaceful and wonderful but couldn't be more different for me if it was another planet. I'm somewhat isolated in that I work from home so I don't really have any opportunity to meet people other than at the dive center or directly through my husband. That's not me generally. I am outgoing and have always made friends easily so to be somewhere without friends of my own is really tough. I know I have my friends still but I can't call any of them up and grab a glass, ok a bottle of wine with.

I didn't expect that. I mean I knew I would miss people but I was so excited to get here and start our life together I didn't think about everything I was leaving behind. I knew I would miss my family and friends but I didn't realize I how much. It's a lot harder than I thought. Don't get me wrong - not one iota of regret here. I wouldn't change a darn thing (except maybe would have moved sooner).

So it becomes about the apartment and making it a home. Seeing me reflected in it a bit more and just making it little nicer. It started with a vacuum and mop (so boring I know) but today is the first day I really see all the little "upgrades" starting to take shape. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. I guess the same will go for my adjustment. I won't feel at home here today or tomorrow but soon.

Little by Little

I am sitting on my terrace overlooking Gustavia Harbor and am alone and it's quiet and I am fully content. I just completed my first holiday away from what I have called home for so many years. I was indulged by several friends and my husband who all joined me here for my first Thanksgiving and it was really a lovely holiday weekend.

The first two weeks have not been easy as I make my transition from guest to resident. I think my diving experience is a good analogy for what I have been going through. My first time back in the water was rough - there was an unexpected swell and I got tossed around the reef as if I was in the washing machine's spin cycle - for the first time in my life I was really scared in the water. The last few outings however were significantly better - I was comfortable and felt a state of complete bliss.

The same way I got through that first dive is how I got through the last two weeks that had several challenges thrown at me. I survived getting the kitchen and bedroom in order, buying the wrong butter (a mortal sin apparently) and a coconut allergy attack that happened at one of our favorite restaurants that had my skin basically on fire. But we are still learning to live together and roll with life's little adventures.

My mission before the end of the year now is to make this apartment into OUR home. Two men lived here previous to my moving in so it definitely needed woman's touch. Thankfully, I actually enjoy doing a lot of what needs to be done, we have a landlord that is open to making repairs and upgrades without fuss, and although it would be insane to bring MY things here, I have found a few stores that don't rob their clientele blind.

The kitchen and bedrooms are almost complete, the bathrooms have been made to sparkle and the living room - well we'll get to that soon. We are each taking on little things that we don't like to so as to please each other - he does the dishes and I cook food that is not really my favorite all the time. The most important thing is that we really do love each other - and I see it more and more every day - especially when things aren't going smoothly.

So I'll deal with scuba equipment in the living room for a LITTLE while longer and he'll eat some veggies and learn that I'll make a few mistakes when trying to read the french labels. It's what life is all about. Rome wasn't built in a day and this apartment will take some time to get in order. We are apparently a lot more patient than either of us ever thought.

The First Days Are the Hardest Days

Well we made it. My dog and I with the help of a dear friend arrived in St Barth after a long day of traveling and putting once and for all to rest all the things I was having panic attacks about - as it relates to her anyway. I have to give my dog credit - she was a total champ on the plane - not a whimper. Once we got here, she is quickly adapting to a new freedom she never really had. Her mom....well she's trying to learn patience.

I have been so displaced for so long that I guess part of me was hoping I could get here, unpack, run to the store to pick up a few things and voila I would be settled....not so fast. You see like any move, nothing is going quite as smoothly as I would like it. Plus we do actually still have everyday life to contend with. Despite popular belief we both do work - and work a lot more than I thought we would have to. He's getting his business ready for the busiest time of the year, with a new partner and I actually have two clients both at peak times.

I have found myself "nagging" more than I would like to admit. It's not that my husband is actually doing anything wrong, its just that I want to be settled, I want crap put away and I want this place to feel like I actually live here. For those of you unaware - there were two single men living here before I got here so there is a bit to do. Before you all go saying be patient - it's only been a couple of days - I am fully aware that I am being completely irrational. That doesn't mean I am going to be happy about it. My husband's patience with me has been exceptional - and he is NOT a patient person. I think he realizes my nagging and frustration isn't really at him (I hope he does anyway) but more about that this is all very new for me.

While I may not have had the easiest adjustment  little miss is adjusting JUST FINE.  I was soooo worried she'd hate it, wouldn't listen to Didier, and would be a nervous wreck because let's face it she tends to get nervous. Nope, little miss is seems to be loving life. She loves being off-leash most of the time, she quickly figured out her new routines, and seems to not have a care in the world. She has a playmate and apparently no longer any interest in me when my husband is around. She follows him around like he were a bag of treats. She's a total traitor, and I actually think that is kind of awesome.

Watching her the last two days seem so at home despite the fact that there is no way she actually could understand why this was all happening put a few things into perspective for me. The stuff will eventually get put away, I can go shopping and buy the things I need, and little by little this will feel more like my home. I moved here for a very good reason. It's a great place to live, my life quality is improved, and I love my husband more every day. Today I shop...tonight my husband sees the output - let's see if he still love me so much :)

Leavin' On a Jet Plane

Don't know when I'll be back again..... Dorky Secret: for years every time got on a plane that song pops into my head, this time when it does it will be more true than it ever has been. Today is my last day here for a while and I am freakishly calm. I mean hey - the last few weeks couldn't have been more eventful - hurricane, massive blackouts, nor'easter..,4 more years, a pot's legal in 2 states, more states embracing equality...found family time, found friend time, found work time.

All of this time also gave me time to think about the last 16 years and NYC and my time here. So many memories, more good than bad. So many things I took for granted - but what New Yorker doesn't have that list. So I want to use this post to write about the things I will miss most, in no particular order. Some will be obvious some will be silly and others are surprising - even to me.

1. Being surrounded my family and friends whenever I need or want to be
2. Sunday dinners at my parents with fresh mozzarella, foccacia and italian cold cuts
3. Wine with friends just because we have wine
4. NYC brunch - there is nothing quite like it 
5. Central Park & Riverside Park with the other dog walkers in the morning
6. The Boat Basin in spring and summer, Lela Bar for drinks after work, Bin 71 
7. Delivery services
8. The NYC skyline
9. Regular trips out west 
10. Farmer's markets, Whole Foods, and Korean Delis
11. Changing seasons - Green leaves, colored leaves, buds and snow covered branches
12. Those perfect fall and spring days - when the temperature is JUST RIGHT
13. Mexican food, thai food, chinese food....these are things that aren't exactly easy to find there
14. Hulu, Netflix and guilty TV pleasures
15. Yankee Stadium

But so many things I have to look forward to and can't wait to find more things to love about a my new home. I know it won't always be easy and I fully expect to feel homesick from time to time. I am approaching this as a new phase in my life with hope and excitement - which is probably a very good thing. Going forward i expect this blog to be more about Island life, me adjusting, and hopefully someday about having a baby.

For now, I saw farewell to my first real love NYC. You are and always will be the most amazing city in the world in my eyes. You are the people that live and breath everyday. You are hard and cold and warm and welcoming. I will miss you but never forget you.

Au revoir.....

A Moment to Think

Sorry for the quiet - it's been an interesting few weeks...

"How often do we get the gift of time?" That's what one of my friends said this past week. First off, leave it to this particular friend to find the silver lining in all this mess that Sandy left behind. But more importantly - think about it. For those of us lucky enough to have power loss be the worst that happen to us, what did you do with that time. I like many was without power for several days. It wasn't easy but even though I couldn't see the news I had enough resources to hear what they were saying on the radio and was catching what else was going on through Twitter & Facebook.

Sandy was something I think few of us expected. She was big enough to kill power for over 6 million homes, she wiped out entire communities, she even managed to cancel Halloween AND the NYC Marathon - that #)($%@ Many people I know lost a lot more than their power for a few days, and these are the same people that are out there helping others. You are my heros.

But Sandy gave me a gift I wasn't expecting during my last few days here, time with my family and time with some friends that I wasn't sure I would get to see. Actual TIME. Time where we had nothing to do but sit around and talk. My family didn't have power or heat - so we spent a few days all curled up around the fireplace. We played games, we talked and we went to bed early. When will I have that opportunity again?

After four days with no power I finally was able to get someplace with power and got to spend some real quality time with some friends. Everyone was full of stories of now power but no one really complained - knowing how lucky we really were. We got to talk, drink wine, eat - boy did we eat - and just hang out. Most of the area didn't have power, public transportation was tough to find so we just spent time together.

I leave on Saturday and honestly do not know when I will be returning to the area - at few times a year for certain but I really can't predict at this point. So while she was a major pain in the you know where, she gave me a few extra memories that I wouldn't have had otherwise. So I will take the silver lining and thank her for the gift of time.

No Such Thing as "Perfect"

Jealousy, it's an ugly word. At one point in our lives we all experience it. There are all sorts of things people can be jealous about - material things, lifestyles, etc. There are times I have DEFINITELY been jealous of people I know or have known for a variety of things. The thing is that most of the time people don't come out and admit that they are jealous - they just do or say things that aren't very nice or supportive. A few people have warned me that folks might be jealous of my new life. This news is not surprising but it also does hurt.

Sometimes that jealousy makes sense on the surface but sometimes it's just what it is - jealously. The reality is that while my new life IS pretty fantastic, no life is perfect. Like many things in this world, what you see on the surface is not what lies beneath. While yes, there may be aspects people are envious of, there are many challenges that come with my current happiness. Yes, I married a man that I am madly in love with and he is madly in love with me. It's all I EVER wanted was real love and I feel lucky to have found it. We had some pretty spectacular celebrations of that love with some of the folks that mean the most to us. And I am moving to paradise and a much easier way of living. On the surface there is a lot to be jealous of, I guess.

But I wish folks would realize that this didn't just happen and none of it is as easy breezy as it sounds. With the move to paradise I leave behind most of my loved ones and while I love my husband so very very much there is a certain isolation that I feel when I am there, I am still adjusting to that. There is a lot to be said about having family and close friends nearby. I am slowly making friends but with the language issues it's still a challenge. Then there's that adjustment of leaving the city to a an island that has fewer people on it than any NYC zip code.

There is the change of direction with career - this has also been a HUGE change for me. I am no longer making the money I once was and my level of responsibility has changed. This is huge adjustment for me mentally. I keep saying I will come back and find something - but I really don't know what the future brings. This level of uncertainty is difficult. I also have no guarantees that I will be able to keep up the consulting when I am there. I have faith in myself but being in another country may make it difficult this is a real fear I live with every day.

And of course we have our separations still. We have been married less than 2 months and have spent more nights apart than together - I can't even describe how difficult this is for us. All I want every day is to be near the man I married and for most of the time we are thousands of miles apart. Then there are other more personal and painful challenges I am not ready to talk about. Those closest to me probably know what I am getting at here. I'll talk about here when I am ready I'm just not yet. Suffice it to say that getting everything you want is not easy or guaranteed.

I am telling you all this not for sympathy - please that would be ABSURD - but as a reminder that NOTHING is as easy as it seems. For every amazing thing that has happened there are effects that bring significant challenges.  Yes I am VERY VERY HAPPY this is true, but by no means is life "perfect." So next time you feel that feeling of jealousy over something or someone - just stop and think for a few seconds that maybe with that joy there are challenges and that person you are jealous of may need your support now more than ever.

Old Friends

With everything going on in my life over the last year I have admittedly have not had as much "free time" to spend with friends. But a funny thing has happened recently and I have gotten to spend time with a few folks that I have known 25+ years. Some I have stayed in regular contact with but don't get to see as often as we would like due to distance and obligations, others I only really get to keep up with on Facebook and the occasional run-in.

The one thing that has been universal with all of these interactions is just how easy it's been and how good it feels to be with them. We all have gone in some wildly different directions and are all in different places in our lives. Some are married, some are single, some are divorced. Some have had great success others have had some tragedy. The one thing that's universal is that we shared high school and the years from 14 - 18 where we had A LOT of fun and in many ways shaped who we have become.

The bonds we shared then and now have us forever connected. Feeling and caring for each other in a way that I think is unique and special. It's not that our adult friendships aren't special - but these friendships are different. We can sit and laugh now at how silly or horrible we were. About the things we did that freak us out a little now. The parties we went to, the relationships that started and stopped at a crazy frequency and with each we thought it was the beginning or end of the world.

These are the friends that drifted apart but have been brought back together from time to time for reunions, weddings, and sadly funerals. They were the friends that bonded together when we lost some of our own on 9/11. The friends that celebrated each others successes the friends and maybe at times failures. That realize now that some of our behavior back in high school was childish but also realize we were children and it is so far in the past.

I hope we always stay connected even if we only see each other once or twice a decade. The one thing I do know - that no matter how much time passes, we will always have a true bond and if any of these folks needed something I would be there for them as quick as they would be for me.

My Better Half

You hear phrases like this all the time: "my better half" "my significant other" " my other half" . I have heard this so much over the years and never really thought about it. As an "independent single woman" I was so confused by these words - I was a whole person and didn't need anyone else, or so I thought. It's funny how over the last year and half this has changed so much in my own mind. I'm not saying you can't be complete without someone - there are many people out there who live very full lives without getting married. What I do know about my personal experience is that now I do feel "more" complete.

When my husband left here the other day we once again we had a long teary goodbye. I was completely overcome with emotion. It didn't matter that this is going to be a short break, I absolutely HATED saying goodbye to him again. Then I was mad at myself a little at how silly I was being but that "strong independent" girl inside was so confused and annoyed with my emotion and tears.Then I saw a good friend post something about her other half and how being with them makes it all better - she is in a similar long distance relationship so if anyone can relate.... It clicked - part of me WAS getting on a plane and the other part was going back to her parents. It really got me thinking a lot about these sayings. And while I don't think people are "incomplete" without significant others I do know that I feel better when I am near my husband.

Now that I have found my "missing piece" I have a better understanding of all this. I am happier now than I have ever been and I feel empty and a little depressed when we aren't together. I am lucky enough to have found someone who loves me deeply and unconditionally. Someone who's simple presence makes a lot of the everyday things seem less important. The time apart is HARD and it's harder now that we are married. We made a huge mistake by not spending these weeks together as opposed to mostly apart. We are both much better when we are together. We are better equipped to handle the little things life throws in our direction. I think that's why they refer to it as better half - you are better when you are together and you have each other to support!

Just a HUGE THANK YOU

Wow, that's pretty much all I can say. We did it - twice and if we thought St Barth was perfect for its intimacy then New York was perfect for the details. It was a LOT of work to get there but in the end, I couldn't be happier with the results. Surrounded by most of the significant people in my life, we got to celebrate the night away. There were some very important people who for various good reason were unable to be there and were missed but we still felt their presence and support and that is what matters.

We continue to sit in amazement at how lucky we are. I want to take a moment to thank some folks that were the "behind the scenes" working on so many of the details that made the night so special. First to the folks at Abigail Kirsch for the food and the overall organization of the night. To Scratch DJs an specifically DJ Vida who had everyone's feet hurting the next morning - always a good sign. The Glass Houses that provided the most incredibly backdrop of the NYC and NJ skylines and one of the most spectacular sunsets I have ever seen.  To Angelo Lambrou who created the PERFECT dress for me - you are a GENIUS. To my uncle who made sure that some of the men looked sharp. To Renny & Reed who's flowers were elegant and a perfect reflection.To Lela Edgar who's photographic genius captured the evening. To Corey for the taking the video and getting it in a format that we will always have. Finally, to my dear friend Masha who created a beautiful memory for us with that slideshow and helped with so many of the little details - words can not express our gratitude. If anyone reading this needs any of these services - ask me how to contact these people because they were all amazing!!!!

My father made the most beautiful toast and we will cherish that speech always. Our friend David told our story from his point of view and got everyone to laugh and gave me a little insight to what was happening when we weren't together. By the time I was supposed to speak I was already so overwhelmed there was little to say other than THANK YOU!

All of these details helped us celebrate and get to enjoy this time together. There were so many little things that were done for reasons other than "it's really pretty." We really wanted to celebrate "us" and get my NYC friends and Family a little taste of St Barth. The colors were a reflection of the place we met, the location was to view where I was from, the food included some of our favorite things, the music was meant to show off who we are. We named the tables after some of significant spots for us - yes they were all in St Barth but we wanted to bring that to NYC. My focus was that is was a reflection of us - I hope we came through, I think we did.

But really the evening was so great because of the people that were there. You all play a very important part of my life and now our lives. Some of you traveled very far to be there - that means the world to us. Others had pregnant bellies and or kids at home which I know makes it tough to get away. Even for those of you thatOur journey to this point was made possible mostly by the love and support we got during our journey - and maybe a little patience than either of. You were the shoulders I leaned on when the days apart became unbearable, you were the ears that listened when I questioned myself, you were the voices of encouragement when I made some of the toughest decisions in my life to get here. In no way is this journey done - it's just now beginning. I sincerely hope that some day every single one of the people that were there (and the ones that couldn't) come to visit to see where we fell in love and our new home!

I Remember

It's been 11 years and its yet so very very fresh. This day has always been a reminder of how lucky I was that day and how amazing New Yorkers are. I miss living in the city but I will always be a New Yorker. This day always brings with it such a rush of emotions because I remember it all.

I remember waking up getting ready for an early meeting, the meeting was cancelled at the 11th hour so instead of heading all the way downtown I went to the office.

I remember the crisp air and perfect sky and thinking how beautiful the city looked.

I remember being on the phone with my and my brother calling 5 or 6 times before I answered assuming he was calling about Yankee tickets he was supposed to pick up later

I remember him yelling at me for not answering sooner, I remember being annoyed then I remember all he could say was "they did it on purpose."

I remember not knowing what he was talking about and then we turned on the TV

I remember getting in a cab and going home

I remember the there was no meter that day we just listened in silence as the towers fell, i didn't know any of the people that got in that cab with me

I remember the calls from some amazing friends on the west coast to make sure I was OK

I remember waiting for word from my roommate that she was ok

I remember seeing her walk in the door and knew that what she had witnessed she would never forget

I remember frantically dialing people and getting everyone accounted for

I remember walking through the park and getting my friend Doug on the phone - he was safe.

I remember picking up my cousin from school and looking around and children were waiting news of parents who worked there

I remember just sitting in front of the TV in shock

I remember around 9pm thinking everyone had been accounted for and feeling so happy that my friends were ok, Feeling guilty knowing so many people weren't

I remember the phone ringing late and the voice on the other end and knew instantly that the tragedy hit people I care about and not knowing what to say

I remember waiting for news for days, news that we knew wasn't coming but still hoped

I remember seeing my old friend and thinking how silly we had been and without a word we hugged and it was the past, this is what mattered now

I remember how we came together to celebrate lives cut way too short

I remember how the city and the country changed forever

I remember the smell of smoke for days

I remember the first time I drove up the turnpike and didn't see those towers sparkle in the skyline

I remember it all so very clearly

Like many of you I will NEVER EVER forget that day or the friends I lost or their families as they relieve it. I will never forget that day or the weeks following and how we all came together. How strangers helped each other. I was then and still am proud to be a New Yorker even if my address has changed.

Advice Too Good Not to Share

Over the years I have received a lot of advice - on everything from which shoes to wear with that dress to how save money for a "rainy day." I also started receiving and actually listening to marriage advice many years ago.  Now that I am married I thought it would be fun to share some of the advice and "tips" I have received. Some are down right funny, some made me think, and some provoked more questions.

Would love to hear your thoughts on some of these. Please note - I may or may not agree with all this advice but it all gave me something to think about.

"Be patient, be respectful, and remember you aren't just you anymore"

"We never fell out of love at the same time"

"Work at it, it won't always be easy. Marriage is not easy it's hard work, too many young people give up too easily."

"Men have pride, women have strength - remember to never hurt his pride."

"Focus on the family, our family keeps our marriage strong"

"Keep it spicy"

"Communicate about everything"

"Find your routines and your roles, then break them every once in a while"

"Have a baby"

"Communicate don't talk"

"Support each other but challenge each other if something is wrong, then work at it together."

""Don't try and change each other but try and appreciate your differences and find middle ground"

"Compromise but don't always give in"

"Put each other first, not your parents or anyone else - you are each other's priorities."

"Be a soft and loving wife, support him."

"Say I love you, a lot."

And my personal favorite courtesy of my great aunts who also supplied a few of the ones above ""Don't be scared on your wedding night, it gets better" (ok that one was from a 95 year old aunt - it was followed with) "Oh i think they have done that"

Ok so what are your favorites? Do you have tidbits to add? Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Do You Feel Different?

The last 10 days or so have been surreal. The time with our family and friends and the actual wedding celebration were amazing and there is nothing I would change. Well almost nothing. I was asked a few times the night of the wedding if I felt different, and immediately I didn't. I mean yes, for a few days I received more attention that I probably ever had in my lifetime but other than that I didn't immediately feel different.

However, when friends and family left and it was "back to normal" how I felt was anything but, I did start to feel different, we feel different.  In a good way - we were suddenly stronger, a unit not two individuals. There are little things that I have noticed have changed in each of us, on how we are towards each other, how we deal when we are frustrated, and how we are connecting on a day to day basis. It's something I didn't quite expect, no one had ever shared that they felt different after the wedding. Suddenly, I have a new number 1 priority and it's our marriage and everything that comes with that and it feel GOOD.

As someone who wasn't exactly a winner in the relationship department, I was really surprised how different I felt.  But what is the most surprising thing is that we are both feeling it. Closer, stronger, tighter - we knew we were in love but this feeling of being a singular unit is something I don't think either of us were expecting.
If I have one regret, it's not taking more time for us immediately after the wedding so we could enjoy this new feeling together a little bit more. I now know why people take honeymoon's right away - to get to know this new couple. Newlywed couples should have a little time alone to enjoy each other and to unwind from the stress and excitement of getting ready for a wedding. Whether you realize it or not, the relationship is now different - and it's important to enjoy that fact.

Then there are the other more obvious ways of feeling different - I have new last name, a new address, and we have new plans that 18 months ago neither of us probably would have ever thought possible. So yes, I feel very different and its a very good different. I now have a permanent rock to stand by - for as long as we both shall live - and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Absolute Perfection

All I can say after the last few days is perfection. We worked so very hard to get here from the very beginning and when all is said and done our wedding was more than I could have dreamed for. After all the fights with the paperwork and the many weeks apart that felt like years I am finally Madame Morvan and one of the most blessed people on earth.

The weekend kicked off with the arrival of my friends & family on Thursday. When their boat pulled up I think I flew into it - and I am not so good at hopping on boats. After lots of hugging laughing and screeching we all had a wonderful dinner at the place we met. This was the first time many of these people met and it was fun to see the new interactions. One thing is for sure - we have surrounded ourselves with a lot of amazing people. The speeches were all very touching and we are still overwhelmed.

The wedding day started pretty typical - primping with my girls present then a little champagne as we put the final touches together. Seeing my dad see me in my dress was something I won't forget - you know that commercial where the dad is giving the keys to his teenage daughter but all he sees is a little girl - that was the look and it was touching.  I was definitely missing a few people but between my accessories, shoes, and flowers they were there and close to my heart.

I was freakishly calm though. I mean I waited for this day for 40 years - but I was still really calm inside. One of my favorite moments came early though - when my dad and i turned the corner and into the room and I saw Didier's emotions on his face - that's the second image I have. The ceremony was beautiful in both French and English - I think even the officer who helped with our paperwork was a little moved by it all.

We then toasted on Shell Beach - which is where I fell in love with him the second time I came to St Barth. Followed by the perfect party at a villa my family rented for the weekend. The party was something truly special. It was small and intimate but still a BLAST! People from all parts of our lives were there and everyone mingled and got along extremely well. It ended with everyone in the pool - kicked off by my new stepson and another friend of ours.

There are many many pictures and memories that we will cherish forever. I need to take a moment to thank everyone who supported us especially my parents who have been going above and beyond to make this day special, to my new family that flew from France, to everyone that came from NY, our friends here is St Barth and most of all to my HUSBAND who gave me the greatest gift I could have asked for - his heart. Je t'aime.

What Was I Thinking?

This is something that keeps going through my mind. Not about getting married but not making sure I had at least one of my "peeps" here. One of the things I suck at the most is asking for help. A word to any friends planning to get married far from where your close friends and family live - make sure you have a few people there in the approaching days to help - and I am not talking about just the groom. There are so many things I didn't think about when planning this - the biggest was my ability to completely lose my mind at a moments notice and that I might need a little support. By the way - it's not like I didn't have offers, I did, this is 1000% my fault I was under the delusion that because everything was essentially done, I didn't need real help. I didn't think about needing girl support.

I am still very new to this island and my French, well let's just say I'm not having a ton of success there, YET. There are several things that I need to take care of that are not things i want my fiance to help with. Like the right place to get my hair done or where to get a mani & pedi stuff and of course to join me on some shopping (he really hates shopping). An example where this almost all bit me in the butt is the hair appointment. The lovely woman at shop understood my broken French to say 2pm and I meant 12pm for the appointment, it got resolved but I still had a mini mental breakdown over it and having one of my friends here present to remind me that it's not a big deal in person would have made it easier. But fear not, my hair will be properly tamed thanks to some very understanding woman who agreed to give me her appointment so I wouldn't scare my future husband away on our wedding day.

Then there is my current living situation. First let me be clear - I love all of these guys. But a bride needs some girls around her in her final hours of singleton and right now it's me and four guys. They are doing their best to understand my wacky ways and pretty sure they realize that look on my face is related to stress. But let's face it one women and four men - yeah, i could have really used some girl-power. They are helping with the things they can - music, food, general errands (definitely going to take advantage of their offers). But I definitely feel a huge void of not having a girlfriend here to talk to, to reassure me that it will be fine, To go get the mani/pedi with or help me with actual shopping - it's just different having your girls around and I am an IDIOT for not having them here.

There is a happy ending here - my girls arrive tomorrow along with my family - even though I initially told them to save the money and just celebrate in NY. Thank Goodness they are all smarter than I am because I would have really regretted NOT having them here in a very very big way. Yep, I know I'M A BIG FAT DUMMY (i think we have that well established).

The first thing I am going to do when everyone gets off that boat tomorrow is give them each the biggest hug I ever have because they are here when I actually will REALLY need them and because they are always there when I need them - even if I act like a dummy from time to time.

Are You Nervous?

That seems to be the number one question I have been asked over the last few weeks. I keep saying "no" because I'm not nervous about marrying Didier - I know how much we love each other and how committed we both are to this relationship. We have had all the "hard" talks, we have the blessings of our families. So no, I am not nervous about marrying him. As far as the life-change well hey, life can't change for me much more than it already has - so no, not nervous about that either - already had that breakdown, survived, next. We know it's not going to be easy - but getting here wasn't easy and we did it. So no I am not nervous about getting married.

I AM nervous though. I'm worried about everything else and it's frustrating. At the end of the day the most important thing is that we get married and the other stuff shouldn't matter, but it does. We have family and friends here that have gone through great lengths to celebrate with us and we want them to enjoy themselves. I'm nervous how this motley crew will all get along. I'm nervous that things will go wrong. Our roommate was teasing me yesterday by playing "Under Pressure" as a tribute to the final countdown - while I pretended to not be amused I was. Because i realized that no matter what, things can go wrong and I need to just let go.

Now having been in many weddings over the years, I know that something always goes wrong and the best thing to do is let it go. We had our first major wrinkle thrown at us on Friday - you guessed it, it's related to paperwork... yep, without getting into details, we had to make alternate transportation for 7 family and friends to get here. Ok, no big deal, a couple of  calls and a little cash and its done. It's not a surprise that it has to do with paperwork - nope not even a tiny little bit.

But now I am nervous that since that was so easily fixable something else will go wrong. My biggest fear is flight cancellations and weather. But again nothing I can do - but maybe say a little prayer, keep the fingers and toes crossed and hope that it goes well. I'm also nervous about some of the other details. Did we get everything done? Did we miss something important?

At this point all I can do is sit and wait and hope. So am I nervous yes. But not the way most people think. I'm nervous about the stuff that won't matter 10 years from now - heck I know some brides that have great stories because of things that went wrong - fires, rainstorms, dresses falling apart.....stuff like that can happen and there is nothing I can do about it. So as long as we get married and we have some family and friends to celebrate with, then my nerves were unnecessary but unavoidable.

It's the Little Things

It's always been the little things for me. I never really cared much for the grand gesture - they seem so forced and not so genuine. I have personally never been impressed with big gestures like sending flowers or giving me fancy gifts - that stuff is all material. Now don't get me wrong - thoughtful gifts and flowers on occasion or for no reason are much appreciated -but isn't showing someone how you feel by something thoughtful better? It takes a lot more effort to be thoughtful than it does to just go buy something.

How did you get ESPN? My fiance asked someone this the one day and to me it was one of the sweetest things he could have done. He's been reading the blog and we talk a lot and he knows that this change is huge for me. So by asking that question he was trying to get me something he knows I really miss. You always here people say don't sweat the small stuff, but what about appreciating the small stuff? When was the last time you thanked someone for doing something small but incredibly thoughtful?

Think about it, its the small stuff that makes up everyday life - and if you aren't doing and appreciating them now, you probably won't later. It's incredibly important not only to do the little thing but to say thank you for them. I have never been good at relationships - I picked the wrong guys or got bored very quickly. This one is different for more reasons than I can list here. The biggest difference though is the little things he does that show me he loves me.

Now as we approach the "big day" with all the craziness and everything we have to do - family coming in, finalizing details oh and of course we are both extremely busy with work it's hard and seemed to be taking its toll. We hadn't had any time alone, I hadn't been feeling well and neither of us had been sleeping.  So last night, we went out to eat just the two of us. It was alone time I desperately needed with him - to have a relaxing conversation about what had to yet be done and to just spend some time where the only thing we had to focus on was each other. And I was reminded again of the many many reason I feel so lucky to have him in my life.

Cooperating Instead of Competing

One thing I am living more and more each day is that people are nicer here. I don't mean more polite, I mean nicer in every aspect of life. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but everyone seems to always want to help each other here - not just in moments of crisis but all the time. That doesn't just mean helping a woman with groceries or be considerate of your neighbors. It means actually sacrificing something for someone else, even their competition.

Let me explain....my fiance is bringing a partner in who happens to be his closest friend and our roommate, David. David worked previously for the largest dive center on the island and from what I can gather is very very good at his job. But it's competitive, there are only so many people that want to dive and there are actually quite a few options on the Island so every client counts. It's pretty obvious David's previous shop has had some difficulty since he left and there was a void. When David got back from his vacation he was set to start working with La Bulle and the timing was really perfect because we need the extra body in August since we are getting married in just a few weeks.

What happened next is what is surprising to me - David's old boss was in a bad situation he had no help and his boat needs two people on it so he asked if David could stay on for a few more weeks. At the same time, his boss is going on his own vacation and is forwarding all inquiries directly to David and Didier while he's gone. Now David's old boss has to know there are clients that will follow David anyway but there seems to be absolutely no ill will there, NONE. When they were explaining this all to me I was very confused - it didn't make any sense, yet.

For my friends in the digital space - it would be akin to Google asking permission for Marissa Mayer to stay on a few more weeks so they could transition and then send some business Yahoo's way once she heads over there because they just couldn't handle it. Ok, that's a little extreme but you get my point.

For anyone in sales - it's tough out there and it's our job to kill, bury, obliterate, destroy etc... the "competition."  That's what you are taught and that's the language that gets thrown around. The funny thing is we know that someday that competitor we trashed may end up owning us or worse - we'll go work for them and have to answer the question from a client "but you said they couldn't do that or?". Here the philosophy seems very different - you help the competition because you really don't want anything bad to happen to anyone - it becomes personal. See my point? It's different but it certainly doesn't suck. In this situation, the competitors are working together to reach a solution that works for everyone. In the end both companies will benefit from this and probably be in better shape.

This isn't the only place I have seen it - I have been sent to different shops when I couldn't find what I was looking for and even had a hotel recommend I use a villa company instead of them for my family when they are coming in a few weeks. I tell you this story because it's part of me learning how to live here. I need to check my thinking at the door (or in the case at the port). It's a more civilized and frankly better way of being. Look, I am a competitive person by nature or I would not have chosen sales for a profession, but there is a lot to be said about stepping in an helping someone when they need it. You never know when you will as well. And I don't just mean carrying the groceries.

Finding Each Other

You ever notice when you first end up in serious relationship people always ask "how did you meet?" Well we are no different. Whenever I am down at the dive center people always are curious, as of course are friends and loved ones. I mean it's not like we are a logical match, so I think people want to hear some sort of spectacular meeting. Most people assume we met diving and assume that my fiance walks up to women on a beach and asks them "Do you like the scuba?" It wasn't like that at all - we were at a bar and I picked HIM up.

I was on vacation with five fabulous women. Everyone was having lots of fun and three days in we already had enough memories to bring laughs for years to come. One common theme from the trip was that every few hours or so the question "Where's Farrah?" came up. Look we were in paradise living the high life - there were lots of shiny objects to get easily distracted by. So when after 3 or 4 hours of eating and making new friends Farrah wandered back to our hotel just up the beach, I never thought that this particular wander was about to change my life.

Sun was beginning to set and we all decided to head back to the hotel and find Farrah. After a brief swim with some of our new friends we all slowly made our way back to the hotel laughing and giggling at each other the way girls do. When we arrived, there was our friend surrounded by three men and a fluffy dog. While most of the girls had been quite flirty up to this point, I had been restrained - there was sort or a someone and I just wasn't in the flirty mood. Well, that changed the second I arrived back at Tom Beach. I walked right up to my friend and her new friends plopped myself next to this man with curly blonde hair and the most amazing blue eyes I had seen and started a conversation.

I have no idea what exactly we talked about - I did know that he was from France, he owned a dive center, and hadn't been on St Barth that long. I know we spoke in Italian a bit as my French was pathetic. I'm not going to lie the rest of the evening is a bit foggy (see above reference to Rose) but that evening I met the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with and had absolutely no idea at the time. What I do remember is that he and his friend stayed and had dinner with this crazy crew.We spent most of the evening smooching and cuddling like a couple who had been together for a little while. I also remember the way he looked at me. We spent a beautiful evening together - a lady doesn't give the details.

So there you have it - I walked up to this man at a beach bar after having just a bit to drink and I picked him up. I wish there was more to it - obviously all that came later. The moral here is when I was least expecting, while I picked him up that night - love found me when I was least expecting it and the rest, as we say, is the future :)

Luckiest Girl in the World

It's weekends like this past weekend that remind me how lucky I am, not just the last couple years but in general. What I am talking about is my girls. A friend of mine wrote about the cycle of friendship recently and as someone who recently entered her 40s I am very familiar with how friendships go through cycles, some cycle out some go on. This weekend my girls from just about every stage of my life helped me celebrate my upcoming marriage. I was completely blown away with the all the very sweet and thoughtful touches throughout - I hope I get to repay you all in some way at some point.

It was really the perfect event and couldn't have asked for more. With everyone's crazy lives these ladies took time from their lives to spend either a few minutes, hours or the entire day and that alone means the world to me. I already miss my girls - it's probably the hardest part of this transition - not being able to see any of them whenever we want - I will need to trust that they will come visit or that we will be able to make time when I am in town for a few days. 

The little details of extremely thoughtful gestures - purple candy, brunch at the first place I ate the day I moved to the city, a little time in central park, the coasters, the posters, the flowers, the amazing food, the crepe cake, and of course the general silliness that happens when a gaggle of girls get together. I will cherish all these memories forever! I know I haven't included tons of pics to date - well here are few. 

The best part about the day - is we laughed, A LOT. There were lots and lots of stories - all kinds of stories that reminded me just how amazing my life and friendships have been. I know I won't get to see all my friends as often as I want anymore and that's hard. I know now that I am getting married my priorities will switch more. But I will never, ever forget all my amazing friends and I know that even if we don't see each other, we are there.

I think Saturday was the perfect reflection on the cycle of friendship. I tried to spend even a few minutes with each and everyone one of you to chat, catch up and just be with you. I think when I do come back to town now I will try and do that more often. We all have stories, fun times, hard times, silly times. Sometimes our lives change and we don't get to see each other as often - people move, people get married, people have babies - guess what, this is always going to happen. It doesn't mean we love each other less, it just means we need to appreciate what time we can spend with each other. I know I did on Saturday and for that I am very very happy.

I already miss you all and was overwhelmed (still am) by the love I felt on Saturday. I said it then and I will say it again - I am sooooo lucky to have these friends. I hope I continue to earn your friendship. I do hope that there is room for people to come visit means that I may get lucky and get you crazy kids down there. Regardless, I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world!

Suddenly a Relationship Expert????

So here I am, 1 month away from marrying the man I love, my missing piece, and am absolutely over the moon! I am floored at how fast this all happened and even more floored that I FINALLY made the right decision when it came to men. I feel so lucky to have met him and even luckier that we have somehow been able to make this all work. I mean lets face it, it's not like the cards were stacked in our favor. We lived 1721 miles apart, there is a significant language barrier, and it's not like we exactly have the same background.

A funny thing has happened to me along the way, suddenly I have all sorts of people asking for relationship advice. This is funny to me for a number of reasons but the biggest is that I have NEVER been good at relationships and still don't consider myself a relationship expert. Digital, sales, and general business - definitely but relationships - not so much. So for people to all of a sudden be asking me advice on relationships seems a little funny is reminding me how hard it really was to get here.

So while I'm no expert, here is how WE got here:  we are open and honest, we don't play games, we really communicate, and we always say I'm sorry when we act like idiots. Seems obvious but think about it - how many times have you tried to pretend to be someone you thought they wanted you to be as opposed to yourself? How many times have you pretended to not want certain things because you didn't think they wanted it. Complete honesty is is a lot easier said than done and I think that's why people say relationships are work - because you not only need to be honest with them, you have to be honest with yourself. And you can't have complete honestly without communication.

Very early on in our relationship we had a tough conversation - you know the one about our past. Look, I am not proud of some of my past decisions but for some reason I didn't hold back and it was hard - for both of us. He didn't love hearing some of what he heard, but we talked about it, talked about how it was in fact the past and how my past taught me to be a better person. I learned from my past mistakes and my past helped shape who I am. Now I am not saying share every single detail of past relationships, but I am saying it's ok to admit to some past mistakes and misjudgments - pretty sure none of us are without fault somewhere.

The other conversation we had early on was what we both wanted. In the past, when conversation turned to marriage and children, I often kept what I REALLY wanted from some of the men I dated because I thought it wasn't what THEY wanted and I wanted to be loved and accepted by them. It seems obvious, but that doesn't work. Too often women pretend to be something we aren't - free spirits who don't need to get married or have kids - we are afraid to scare them away. Well here's the thing - what does that actually solve? We don't think of it as lying but it is. How can a relationship grow into something serious and committed if you pretend you don't care about that? So for the first time, when my fiance asked what I wanted I said out loud "I want to get married and have a family, which I don't think is what you want." The biggest surprise was his response that he could get married and would like another child." Say WHAT?????

Doesn't seem like a big deal, but that sentence was terrifying because I was falling hard for this man and my perception was that was not something he would want. Guess I was wrong  - I thought I was taking a huge  risk that day but I don't know that we would have gotten here if I hadn't told him what I really wanted. I told him what I wanted and he didn't say no. We were communicating, talking about what we both wanted. We weren't 100% in alignment but over the last year we have each made compromises and learned from each other.   There were deal breakers for us both - and we talked about them: I don't want to move to Florida he needs to live near the water, I always want to work he wants to make sure that there is always "us time" where the phone and the computer are not being checked perpetually.

The point is we talked about this stuff a lot and we both wanted to make this work. The last part is really important - we BOTH wanted to make it work. So we did. It hasn't been easy - weeks apart make it tough. We make every effort to speak every day, even if it's for 2 minutes. We share the most mundane details of our day as often as we share the more exciting ones. We compromise and we make sacrifices for the betterment of us. But ultimately all comes down to being honest, talking, not playing games and being yourself - and both being on the same page. It won't make every relationship a success because there may be deal breakers that you can't compromise on - if another child was out of the question we would never be getting married one month from today. But if we never had the conversation, we might not be getting married either.

Discovering Under Water

I know I already posted about diving once, but as it becomes more and more a part of my life, I feel the need to share. The biggest difference in my two lives is that in my current one I have a lot more time to think and reflect, this blog is one of the outputs of that time. Last night, I went on my first night dive and it was something so amazing and the whole time I was underwater I was thinking about everything I saw and how amazing it all is.

First off, under water life from my vantage point is the most pure and interesting forms of life. I see more colors (even at night) in one hour diving than I will in a week above ground. And all kinds of colors - the colors on these massive reef structures that are far more beautiful and engaging than any man-made structure. They serve as perfect playgrounds, feeding areas,sleeping nooks, and general  everyday life to millions of types of sea creatures from sharks to turtles to shrimp. And they all live together in a harmony that does not exist above ground.

It's all so grossly misunderstood at times. I heard somewhere that Steven Spielberg regrets a bit how Jaws created this incredible fear of sharks. That's a good thing, I swim with sharks regularly here now, not great whites but small sharks that have absolutely no interest in eating me or any of my dive mates - they generally swim away as fast as they can once they know we are there.  They are beautiful creatures just trying to live their life, what's so scary about that?

On last nights dive, after the first turtle swam up to the light we were holding and any fear I had of being underwater at night faded, I spent the next 45 minutes on thinking about the under water world vs. the above ground world and how very different but yet similar they are - beyond the whole air vs water thing. In each reef formation there is more life living together than probably anywhere else in the world but it does't feel crowded. Blue fish swim with grey fish and pink fish around the same areas. When you are different there you seem more special - I get more excited about seeing turtles and eagle rays than I do some of the fish. So there is still that - but I doubt the fish feel the same as I do. There is this perfect symmetry to it all that I personally had been searching for. I am definitely a more appreciative person because of experiencing it, even in the very tiny way I have.

I couldn't be happier that in addition to finding the love of my life, I found a new passion and have a new respect for the ocean. The two are related of course, I covered that in a past post - if I ended up hating scuba I would not be living the life I am today. So glad it turned out the other way. I hope this respect I am gaining will help be kinder to the the ocean- its so much more beautiful when it's unspoiled by us pesky humans. It's really making me appreciate being here versus New York. New York will always be part of me, but getting to be in the ocean as often as I really want, that is something I am so very very grateful for!

What's is Brave?

So my little blog project about this whole transition - which has been both personal but also professional has brought me more comments and emails than I could have hoped and the feedback has actually been quite surprising. I have heard from people from every stage of my life and in almost every single capacity. The feedback that surprises me most is when people use words like "brave." Because in general, I never thought of myself as particularly brave and I still don't.

I must admit, this last year or so, I made some difficult as well as odd (to some) choices. To some the change may have seemed sudden, but in reality they were anything but.  They were not entirely blind leaps of faith or sudden decisions. Each and every decision I have made I have made based on either past life experience or a certain need of fulfillment or in many cases, both. I point this out because a 25 year old me would have NEVER EVER gone in this direction. It's because I lived through similar situations in the past and just when you thought there was no light and you went in the other direction - it was different than what you expected.

I know I may be getting a little philosophical with that but really - my decision to leave my last job was a personal one, it had nothing to do with the people or the particular  company, it was that I personally, was tired and needed a break from that whole world. Then I met this guy, then my next birthday - you know the big four - zero - was just around the corner. So maybe, I wanted a break for me and it happened to coincide with meeting this amazing person who taught me to appreciate certain things just a little bit more (talking a green I wish we practiced back in NY).

What happened next was a series of extreme highs and lows - the job i took, the gigs i work on now, getting engaged, leaving my apartment, moving to a strange place. And they are all inter-related, in many ways. I took a job that gave me the freedom to work remote - very remote - 1 week a month. What happened next was truly incredible and not in a good way but for many reasons chose not to discuss as this time. Then all of a sudden, a few small consulting gigs are presented..and now I really, really like what I am doing. I get to do a little bit of 3 of my favorite parts of past jobs but independently. So for each client i have a very specific a defined focus, it's kind of perfect for me. So again, I chose a path where I still feel challenged but not suffocated, which at this stage of my life was important.

So for everyone that thinks what I did was "brave" I still don't but I appreciate the comments. At each of those moments where I had to make a decision, I made the only logical decision as apparent to me at that moment. In most cases, it turned out better than I could have hoped. I guess my point is - I appreciate those of you that think this is brave, but to me, the decisions have actually been more logical than emotional, and very well thought out. I think over the next few weeks you will all start to learn a little more about the history behind some of my decisions that stretch back years and years in some cases.

It's a good thing we love each other

That's exactly how I feel about the business of getting married - because let's face it, it's a business. This process has been fun, exciting, and aggravating all at the same time. It's almost a full-time job really - and of course our own special wrinkle of me being american and he being french is making it even more fun (please note the sarcasm here).The legality and bureaucratic nature of getting married is the part of the marriage process you never see and probably never hear about until you are going though it - you only hear about vendors, and venues, and dresses, and flowers...which of course are the fun  & exciting parts. So I think it's a good thing we love each other.

So far, just in legal documentation, I have spent close to $2000 in legal fees and government agency fees - most are government fees. It's like some of these documents are required so that someone in our respective countries can review them. I have had to do two contracts - done by a consulate approved attorney, a new version of my birth certificate - indecently the state of NJ spelled my name wrong on the new issue so that has made this even MORE fun, 4 apostiles - for those of you that don't know what this is, it's state-issued document certifying that other legal documents (ones that have already been certified) are in fact real.  So in other words I had to get legal docs to verify my legal docs were in fact legal. It's a good thing we love each other.


But my big question is what does all of this have to do with getting married? Why do I need a piece of paper that ends up costing about $500 by the time it has been created, notarized, stamped, translated, and certified that says I am who I am when the purpose of the original document is identification.  Then, just when you think you have done everything - you find out your lease doesn't count as legal proof you live where you say you do, no you need a utility bill - which of course we don't have because we pay the landlord directly. SO we need to find something else. The time we have spent collectively getting documentation is probably triple to what we have spent on the"fun" stuff. It's a good thing we love each other.


Now we get to the "fun" stuff - I am not going to lie - this wedding has gotten much bigger and fancier than was intended. Initially, we were talking about 40 - 50 closest friends and family in a destination (here). Well since we are older, that also means we have older families - people that are very important to us but traveling to St Barth is not an option...so now we are having THREE weddings. We are getting the original, but also having two others - and that's ok because we will get to celebrate what is really something neither of us expected with most of the people we care about - and that's REALLY what this should be about. It's not about a piece of paper (or 20), it's not about the perfect dress, ring, music, or venue, its about sharing something so very very special with the people we care about. So in the end, the paperwork and hassles will be worth it. We will say "I do" or I think in this case it's "je fait" and then we will party - to celebrate what is really happening - two people that found each other on a beach in St Barth and decided that spending time with each other forever is what we wanted. So I guess it IS a good thing we love each other :)

Suburgatory????

I know, I am ripping off the title of a show, they show it on United and I have seen a few episodes. It's about a teenage girl and her father that move from the city to the suburbs. I'm living it right now and I have to tell you the title is very appropriate for my current state of mind. It's a play or purgatory - or "limbo." It's where I am right now. I don't live in the city any more, and until I get that pesky little Visa, I don't live in St. Barth and I don't really live with my parents either. 

You see at 40, I moved a lot of my stuff back into my childhood home, so when I am not with my future husband, I am with my parents. This way of living can be fun - I mean there is something incredibly comforting about being with your parents - no one can put up with my current state of mind the way they do. BUT I have been on my own for 22 years - and living in cities (DC or NYC) for all of that time with the exception of the first 2 years out of college. Needless to say, it's quite a bit of an adjustment.

I REALLY miss the city - even my life in St Barth is more city like than it is here. The things I miss most - walking my dog in the park in the morning - nothing put a smile on my face more than seeing that little nutjob running free. Walking everywhere - you really can't walk anywhere - i try but you really need to drive. Food variety - the only thing you really can get delivered is Pizza. And the freedom of seeing folks whenever I want. 

Now it's not like I didn't know all this, but living it is very different. I feel like I am in this limbo - I don't REALLY live here and i don't REALLY live there either. I am close enough that i can see the skyline, but getting into to see friends is not so easy. I am in the same room I was in when I was a child - but both brothers have lived there since so any signs of me are long gone. And while I do love sports, the framed linup cards and photos of professional athletes is not exactly the decor I would go for.  

I head back to St. Barth tomorrow and can't wait - not just because my love is there although I am VERY VERY excited to see him. But because I get a little bit of city life back. I can walk everywhere, we do go out to more often than I do now, and slowly but surely, the place is starting to at least feel a little bit like mine.

I know this sounds like whining and I'm sorry for that but the reality is, for me being in limbo if frustrating - i just want to get to the end game...but alas there is that pesky Visa issue....

Missing You

I can't believe it's been six years since I got that phone call. I was walking down a street in San Francisco when my brother called to tell me. I was in denial for a full day or so, not someone so full of life. You were on your way to visit your daughter, on a plane. Everything changed that night, I just didn't know it yet. The next two weeks felt like two years. My flight back to NY seemed to last forever, I am pretty sure I cried the whole way home.

I want you to know that we are all good. I'm getting married, you know that. We're working on the details now - you were supposed to be a huge part of this. We went to see you yesterday, but that's not where you are, I don't like going to that place, it's just a building. Mom started telling you about the plans - I couldn't stay. You aren't there. 

The thing is you are here - always. I still hear your voice. I hear you telling me to enjoy this time, to let my mom win on some things, but to make sure it's still my party. You were there when I tried on dresses and shoes. You were there when I sat with the florist, and you'll be there when we say I do.

There will be champagne, and dancing and lots and lots of happiness. There will even be peonies in the fall. But you won't be there in person and you aren't here to help with some of the details that I know you would have enjoyed being a part of. You would have talked me into spending more on some things than we wanted - because I will only get married once (or 3 times to the same person).  

But you are here every day - I know you know all the details and are probably helping in ways we don't see.  So thank you. But it would have been better if you were here so I could see your smile that day and dance with you that night. I miss you.

My 15 Minutes

So this weekend I got my fifteen minutes of fame - or as a friend of mine put it 3:30. As if what has happened in the last year and half hasn't been crazy enough, I had the opportunity to be interviewed on the CBS Morning Show this weekend. Apparently my little blog is getting read by more people than I thought and it's pretty exciting for me. I mean I am writing this blog mostly for myself, but also for anyone who thinks my story is interesting. I guess some of you actually do because it was a reader of the blog that sent it off to Nicole Williams and that's how I got to be part of the segment about Singlism in the Workplace click on this link to see the segment.

Last week my "I Have a Life" post seemed to strike a chord with lots of people. Since I ended up on the national news I want to expand on what was discussed offline and more on my feelings on this subject. First of all, in no way am I a victim here, yes I often made sacrifices for my career, but those were choices I made. In many ways, I brought it on myself. I did say "yes" every time. I think if you polled all of my former employers they would all agree that I never said no when many of my peers did. So in a way, by not pushing back, I was encouraging the behavior.

The choice was really for me, what was important to me. I THOUGHT it was my career. I realized, after many years, I wanted more of a personal life, again this was a very personal decision. This goes back to choices. There are no victims unless you allow it. This is not to say it won't happen, but know that you do have a choice.

Employers, I do hope this makes you think a little more though about some of your single employees. I mean really, dating in NYC is tough enough, if we are always at work, we have no hope of ever not be single :)
Seriously though, next time you assume a single person doesn't have important obligations outside of work simply because they don't have a family of their own - think about it. Because they haven't given birth doesn't mean they don't have a family. Family is often more than a genetic connection (more on this in another post). At the very least, spread it around a little more.

I do need to thank Nicole Williams, Jill Jacinto, Marci Waldman, Rebecca Jarvis & Jeff Glor and all the other wonderful people at CBS for this great opportunity and making me feel at ease (and pretty) during the process. It was a fantastic opportunity and I do really appreciate it!

I Hate Moving

There is just no way to sugar coat my moving process - it has been the most complicated move ever. You see normally when people move, everything gets packed up at one location and all gets moved to another. Not this girl, nope, I now have possessions in 4 different locations and it has made this move painful and complicated and more emotional than I was prepared for. Since I can't legally move to St. Barth full-time until after we get married and really won't be doing it until the beginning of the next high season in November it complicates the move.

The day the movers showed up I was nothing short of a basket case. Watching complete strangers pack my things and knowing my city life was ending was emotional...but then came the hard part. I am very slowly moving some items to my new home - you see two single men lived there before so things like matching sheets, pillows for guests, and decent kitchen supplies well let's just say they aren't a priority. So being in my new home with very few of my things is hard.

Then there is the stuff that is in storage - all my "good" stuff is there and moving it south - well despite the outward appearance of moving to someplace as seemingly glamorous as St Barth - I am NOT independently wealthy and to move these things could be cost prohibitive - this is something I am still investigating. Some of my things are in temporary residence at a friends, that is actually comforting - they should be used and enjoyed, not locked away in a 10x10 room for who knows how long.

And then there is my temporary residence with my parents, who I adore, but let's face it I am 40 and living with mom and dad is not easy on any of us. First I still have a ton of stuff that needs to be sorted through - storage, junk, st. barth, give away....this is a process I have gone through almost every day for the last week. Then there is just the overall difference in daily life - no central park to take the dog to in the morning, sharing a bathroom, and sharing meals with people that I have developed a different diet from over the last 20 or so years not living under their roof.

I can't wait until the process is over, I am starting to see the light, but next time I move - it's all going to the same place. And GOD WILLING, I'll just have it all shipped to a final destination. For now - I am searching for things that I am sure will show up eventually, finding things that I haven't seen since I moved INTO the last apartment, and sorting through memories of the last 15+ years of my life that bring a mix of smiles, tears, and out right belly laughs. One thing that won't happen - I won't be moving it to 4 different locations!

Walking Through Doors

A friend of mine posted this quote on Facebook the other day "There are some doors in life you need to go through alone." from Joe vs. the Volcano. It was so on point with so much that going on in my life right now. I have an unbelievable support system - I am one of the luckiest people I know in this respect - my family is incredibly close, I have a very large group of friends and confidants that I trust, amazing friends, but there are a lot of aspects of this journey I had to do on my own, for me.

I had to make the decision to quit my job on my own - especially since I didn't have another one locked in. I had to decide to allow myself to fall in love with the most unlikely match on my own and I had to make the decision to leave NY on my own. It's not to say I didn't have help and support, I had tons, but the decisions they had to be mine and mine alone. I had to decide if I really wanted to allow myself to fall in love then I was the only one that had to decide if that love was worth me leaving the life that I had spent 39 years forming.

The thing about doors is, unless they are made of glass you can't see through what's on the other side. You have to trust when that door opens you can handle whatever is on the other side. I had to trust my gut on this and I couldn't allow myself to be influenced by the people that I know love me wanting me to stay. It was time for me to take a new kind of risk.

I didn't approach these decisions lightly but I didn't approach them the way I have approached so much in my life - with tons of input from my family & friends. Actually, if I listened to what a lot of you were saying and THINKING in the beginning I would not have taken this rout. Don't think for one second that I don't know that most of the people closest to me think/thought that I had completely lost my mind. I know you did, hey you might still. Maybe I am  - but I don't think so. I think I am happy. I was the only person who was living in my life, I was the only person who knew that this relationship was different, I was the only person who knew that despite everything that I had lived knew that this journey was the one that was going to make me happy.

All of this said, I was able to go through those doors alone because of the amazing people in my life. Because I know my family and friends love me for me and not for the job I have, the apartment I live in or who I am married to. So while I didn't lean on many of you to help me make the decisions, I knew you were there and I love you all for it! So thank you for being ready to support me when I was ready for the support and thank you for sticking by me even if you think I am nuts!

Thank You Skype

So last week I sort of ranted a bit about working in digital. I want to clarify, I actually LOVED most of my jobs. I have worked with amazing people and have built a network that is full of the most talented people I know and am so proud to be part of this digital community. So I figured in the interest of staying balanced I'd like to thank a few services out there in the digital space.

For those of you in the space - I don't need to tell you what an incredible industry it is. We work hard and play hard and it really is a tight community. Heck it's changed the way all of us live our everyday life - and we all know it and that's why I became and plan on staying a part of it! We collectively have made life better for hundreds of millions of people. Social networks have reconnected old friends, information is available on billions of topics with the touch of a button, you can talk face to face with someone thousands of miles away FOR FREE - we are living in the Jetson era and it's all possible because of the digital tech world.

Skype is a big reason why my new life has become possible and why it came to fruition. I could have never imagined this when I took that vacation to St Barth 14+ months ago that it would be remotely possible for this all to happen and today I have Skype to thank for the strength of my relationship AND the ability for me to work in this great industry from afar.

While our relationship was starting, we mainly used skype to communicate. It allowed us to get to know each other even though we weren't in the same room. In this age of texting and email,  we were able to talk face to face on an almost daily basis even though we were close to 2000 miles apart. We even said those very special words for the first time to each other on Skype - there are two girls that I am sure are reading this (CP & KS) that know EXACTLY what I am talking about - btw - thank you girls for helping to keep me sane that day :)

In my professional life, I was able to set up a consultancy based in the states but am able to run it from where ever in the world I am because I was able to get a US skype number and have skype on my cell and iPad so no matter where I was I could make and receive calls and no one needs to know exactly where I am.

For me, Skype is the most obvious contributor to my current position so I call it out specifically. But for those of you not in the space, I know many of you complain about "privacy" online or get frustrated when free services change the ways they work. I urge you all to remember that these services are free and there are thousands of people working their buts off to make them possible. Think about these services that most of you use without spending a dime and the benefits you get for using them: Facebook, Google, Skype,  ANY online publication, Spotify etc. I'm lucky enough to be consulting in the mobile space now too - so many companies that make our every day lives easier. So for me - THANK YOU is a small token of my appreciation to an industry that, while at times has driven me nuts, has also given me so very much.

Feeling Local?

Who of you when you have been on vacation always say you want to go "where the locals are?" My bet it's most of you, especially you New Yorkers - we are the worst. Well being local is a pretty big deal when you live in what is primarily a tourist location. Here is no different. There are benefits to being a local - whether it's knowing what's the best day of the week to go food shopping or which restaurants offer a more, um affordable? lunch deal.

For me it's more about feeling like a belong. I already have that French thing to tackle - but the good news it's getting a little better. Store owners are starting to recognize me - at least the ones I am in often enough, same at restaurants. A few things that help - my ability to tan well and quick - thanks mom and dad for those genes, being seen with my fiance who despite his somewhat shy demeanor knows a lot of people and has nice group of friends, and the fact that I can now at least fake my French enough when picking up everyday essentials.

Now to why it's really important to be local - it's expensive, very expensive. Since it's so small imports all come a significant price, restaurants are after the jet set tourists not the local dive shop owner. The good news is the locals take care of the locals and almost anywhere you go there is a local price. Sometimes its just a small difference, sometimes it can be significant.

Yesterday I went to buy my ferry ticket as I will be heading back to New Jersey - yep not New York City today for a few weeks. When I went to pay the ticket agent said - "you live on the island, right?" I said yes - it actually felt good. The bonus, a round trip ferry ticket at the residents price - which was a very significant discount.

It's not that I didn't know about the discount, but after spending the last year observing some of the local interactions, it felt good to finally be able to say that I am one - even though I don't totally feel it yet. But I'm getting there.

I Have a Life

So I know most of my posts are focused on the romance of all this. Girl goes on vacation, girl meets boy, girl throws caution to the wind quits her job and moves to the Islands. Obviously there is a bit more too it than that - I'm not what one would consider "irresponsible" or a "flake." So today, I am going to focus on some of the events that happened professionally over a very long period of time that helped feed this decision. The biggest - was the fact that I had gotten to the point in my professional career that if you weren't in digital marketing, I didn't necessarily get to see you no matter how close a friend you were. The problem was not and is not restricted to me. It's a problem that happens across all of corporate america and I recently heard two core aspects of the problem addressed - once in the Wall Street Journal and once in Cheryl Sandburg's HBS speech.

See I had two things working against my ability to "have a life." I'm a woman, and I am single. I know many of my former employers if you read this may think that it's not accurate - but I assure you, it is. It's not done consciously, I don't think, but it happens. Yes I was career focused - I loved what I did - I still do - but the hours, the pressure and the expectations were not conducive to having a life.

Growing up in digital, I didn't have a Cheryl Sandburg - I wish I did. I applaud her for not being afraid to be a woman and not being afraid to leave work at a reasonable hour - and to now actually TALK about it - bravo. What I had was a lot men in roles that I aspired to have. Almost all my direct peers were men and let's face it - you can't be in the boys club if you are woman. So I hung with the boys but you, I was a girl. So when i was tough I was a bitch, and when I was successful it was because I was sleeping with my boss. I have NEVER slept with any of my bosses and never took things like that as more than jealousy - but it happened. A LOT. That's was the big challenge of being a woman - you begin to feel that's all normal. Again, I was not fortunate enough to have a female mentor. And those kinds of things wear on you. 

Then there was the "being single" thing. You see, my time outside of the office was somehow not as valuable as others because I did not have a family to go home to at night. I heard this from more than one employer. Now I know that when you have children you can't leave them home alone - so I'm not saying that. BUT there were so many times when stuff was assigned to me because a peer couldn't do it. Conferences that started on weekends, meetings across country, projects that had to be done on Monday that popped up Friday late. All often ended up getting dumped on me. In the last 18 years I have missed friends weddings, broadway shows where I had bought tickets, vacations where I worked the entire time or cancelled because  - well it's not like having a kid. No it's not but it doesn't make it right. 

People just expected me to jump in, and I did because you had to do the "little extra." So I saw friendships deteriorate because of it and the time that I spent with my family diminish and I started to resent this type of work. I was tired, very tired and I didn't even realize it for a while. Now here's where my fiance comes into play. When he first met my parents we were having dinner and the usual questions were being fired around. At one point he said something to the effect "i love what I do so I don't really work - I am living my dream." At that point I had quit my job, but I was considering other roles that would have been even bigger and even more demanding. I wanted that - I wanted a life. So now I think I have one. 

I'm not saying not to work hard or expect folks to pay their dues and put in the hours - especially in digital. It's just that we all have things to do, and because one is a woman or doesn't have children, doesn't mean their time is less valuable. 

I'm sure this post may be controversial to some of you. But it is reality. So I ask this of those of you reading this in power positions - think before you consistently ask that person without a "family" to work late or skip personal obligations for work - we all need time away from work. And if you happen to be a woman - mentor other women. There are not enough great women executives out there - but I am sure there are many that could be.