Missing You

I can't believe it's been six years since I got that phone call. I was walking down a street in San Francisco when my brother called to tell me. I was in denial for a full day or so, not someone so full of life. You were on your way to visit your daughter, on a plane. Everything changed that night, I just didn't know it yet. The next two weeks felt like two years. My flight back to NY seemed to last forever, I am pretty sure I cried the whole way home.

I want you to know that we are all good. I'm getting married, you know that. We're working on the details now - you were supposed to be a huge part of this. We went to see you yesterday, but that's not where you are, I don't like going to that place, it's just a building. Mom started telling you about the plans - I couldn't stay. You aren't there. 

The thing is you are here - always. I still hear your voice. I hear you telling me to enjoy this time, to let my mom win on some things, but to make sure it's still my party. You were there when I tried on dresses and shoes. You were there when I sat with the florist, and you'll be there when we say I do.

There will be champagne, and dancing and lots and lots of happiness. There will even be peonies in the fall. But you won't be there in person and you aren't here to help with some of the details that I know you would have enjoyed being a part of. You would have talked me into spending more on some things than we wanted - because I will only get married once (or 3 times to the same person).  

But you are here every day - I know you know all the details and are probably helping in ways we don't see.  So thank you. But it would have been better if you were here so I could see your smile that day and dance with you that night. I miss you.