Leavin' On a Jet Plane

Don't know when I'll be back again..... Dorky Secret: for years every time got on a plane that song pops into my head, this time when it does it will be more true than it ever has been. Today is my last day here for a while and I am freakishly calm. I mean hey - the last few weeks couldn't have been more eventful - hurricane, massive blackouts, nor'easter..,4 more years, a pot's legal in 2 states, more states embracing equality...found family time, found friend time, found work time.

All of this time also gave me time to think about the last 16 years and NYC and my time here. So many memories, more good than bad. So many things I took for granted - but what New Yorker doesn't have that list. So I want to use this post to write about the things I will miss most, in no particular order. Some will be obvious some will be silly and others are surprising - even to me.

1. Being surrounded my family and friends whenever I need or want to be
2. Sunday dinners at my parents with fresh mozzarella, foccacia and italian cold cuts
3. Wine with friends just because we have wine
4. NYC brunch - there is nothing quite like it 
5. Central Park & Riverside Park with the other dog walkers in the morning
6. The Boat Basin in spring and summer, Lela Bar for drinks after work, Bin 71 
7. Delivery services
8. The NYC skyline
9. Regular trips out west 
10. Farmer's markets, Whole Foods, and Korean Delis
11. Changing seasons - Green leaves, colored leaves, buds and snow covered branches
12. Those perfect fall and spring days - when the temperature is JUST RIGHT
13. Mexican food, thai food, chinese food....these are things that aren't exactly easy to find there
14. Hulu, Netflix and guilty TV pleasures
15. Yankee Stadium

But so many things I have to look forward to and can't wait to find more things to love about a my new home. I know it won't always be easy and I fully expect to feel homesick from time to time. I am approaching this as a new phase in my life with hope and excitement - which is probably a very good thing. Going forward i expect this blog to be more about Island life, me adjusting, and hopefully someday about having a baby.

For now, I saw farewell to my first real love NYC. You are and always will be the most amazing city in the world in my eyes. You are the people that live and breath everyday. You are hard and cold and warm and welcoming. I will miss you but never forget you.

Au revoir.....

A Moment to Think

Sorry for the quiet - it's been an interesting few weeks...

"How often do we get the gift of time?" That's what one of my friends said this past week. First off, leave it to this particular friend to find the silver lining in all this mess that Sandy left behind. But more importantly - think about it. For those of us lucky enough to have power loss be the worst that happen to us, what did you do with that time. I like many was without power for several days. It wasn't easy but even though I couldn't see the news I had enough resources to hear what they were saying on the radio and was catching what else was going on through Twitter & Facebook.

Sandy was something I think few of us expected. She was big enough to kill power for over 6 million homes, she wiped out entire communities, she even managed to cancel Halloween AND the NYC Marathon - that #)($%@ Many people I know lost a lot more than their power for a few days, and these are the same people that are out there helping others. You are my heros.

But Sandy gave me a gift I wasn't expecting during my last few days here, time with my family and time with some friends that I wasn't sure I would get to see. Actual TIME. Time where we had nothing to do but sit around and talk. My family didn't have power or heat - so we spent a few days all curled up around the fireplace. We played games, we talked and we went to bed early. When will I have that opportunity again?

After four days with no power I finally was able to get someplace with power and got to spend some real quality time with some friends. Everyone was full of stories of now power but no one really complained - knowing how lucky we really were. We got to talk, drink wine, eat - boy did we eat - and just hang out. Most of the area didn't have power, public transportation was tough to find so we just spent time together.

I leave on Saturday and honestly do not know when I will be returning to the area - at few times a year for certain but I really can't predict at this point. So while she was a major pain in the you know where, she gave me a few extra memories that I wouldn't have had otherwise. So I will take the silver lining and thank her for the gift of time.

No Such Thing as "Perfect"

Jealousy, it's an ugly word. At one point in our lives we all experience it. There are all sorts of things people can be jealous about - material things, lifestyles, etc. There are times I have DEFINITELY been jealous of people I know or have known for a variety of things. The thing is that most of the time people don't come out and admit that they are jealous - they just do or say things that aren't very nice or supportive. A few people have warned me that folks might be jealous of my new life. This news is not surprising but it also does hurt.

Sometimes that jealousy makes sense on the surface but sometimes it's just what it is - jealously. The reality is that while my new life IS pretty fantastic, no life is perfect. Like many things in this world, what you see on the surface is not what lies beneath. While yes, there may be aspects people are envious of, there are many challenges that come with my current happiness. Yes, I married a man that I am madly in love with and he is madly in love with me. It's all I EVER wanted was real love and I feel lucky to have found it. We had some pretty spectacular celebrations of that love with some of the folks that mean the most to us. And I am moving to paradise and a much easier way of living. On the surface there is a lot to be jealous of, I guess.

But I wish folks would realize that this didn't just happen and none of it is as easy breezy as it sounds. With the move to paradise I leave behind most of my loved ones and while I love my husband so very very much there is a certain isolation that I feel when I am there, I am still adjusting to that. There is a lot to be said about having family and close friends nearby. I am slowly making friends but with the language issues it's still a challenge. Then there's that adjustment of leaving the city to a an island that has fewer people on it than any NYC zip code.

There is the change of direction with career - this has also been a HUGE change for me. I am no longer making the money I once was and my level of responsibility has changed. This is huge adjustment for me mentally. I keep saying I will come back and find something - but I really don't know what the future brings. This level of uncertainty is difficult. I also have no guarantees that I will be able to keep up the consulting when I am there. I have faith in myself but being in another country may make it difficult this is a real fear I live with every day.

And of course we have our separations still. We have been married less than 2 months and have spent more nights apart than together - I can't even describe how difficult this is for us. All I want every day is to be near the man I married and for most of the time we are thousands of miles apart. Then there are other more personal and painful challenges I am not ready to talk about. Those closest to me probably know what I am getting at here. I'll talk about here when I am ready I'm just not yet. Suffice it to say that getting everything you want is not easy or guaranteed.

I am telling you all this not for sympathy - please that would be ABSURD - but as a reminder that NOTHING is as easy as it seems. For every amazing thing that has happened there are effects that bring significant challenges.  Yes I am VERY VERY HAPPY this is true, but by no means is life "perfect." So next time you feel that feeling of jealousy over something or someone - just stop and think for a few seconds that maybe with that joy there are challenges and that person you are jealous of may need your support now more than ever.

Old Friends

With everything going on in my life over the last year I have admittedly have not had as much "free time" to spend with friends. But a funny thing has happened recently and I have gotten to spend time with a few folks that I have known 25+ years. Some I have stayed in regular contact with but don't get to see as often as we would like due to distance and obligations, others I only really get to keep up with on Facebook and the occasional run-in.

The one thing that has been universal with all of these interactions is just how easy it's been and how good it feels to be with them. We all have gone in some wildly different directions and are all in different places in our lives. Some are married, some are single, some are divorced. Some have had great success others have had some tragedy. The one thing that's universal is that we shared high school and the years from 14 - 18 where we had A LOT of fun and in many ways shaped who we have become.

The bonds we shared then and now have us forever connected. Feeling and caring for each other in a way that I think is unique and special. It's not that our adult friendships aren't special - but these friendships are different. We can sit and laugh now at how silly or horrible we were. About the things we did that freak us out a little now. The parties we went to, the relationships that started and stopped at a crazy frequency and with each we thought it was the beginning or end of the world.

These are the friends that drifted apart but have been brought back together from time to time for reunions, weddings, and sadly funerals. They were the friends that bonded together when we lost some of our own on 9/11. The friends that celebrated each others successes the friends and maybe at times failures. That realize now that some of our behavior back in high school was childish but also realize we were children and it is so far in the past.

I hope we always stay connected even if we only see each other once or twice a decade. The one thing I do know - that no matter how much time passes, we will always have a true bond and if any of these folks needed something I would be there for them as quick as they would be for me.

My Better Half

You hear phrases like this all the time: "my better half" "my significant other" " my other half" . I have heard this so much over the years and never really thought about it. As an "independent single woman" I was so confused by these words - I was a whole person and didn't need anyone else, or so I thought. It's funny how over the last year and half this has changed so much in my own mind. I'm not saying you can't be complete without someone - there are many people out there who live very full lives without getting married. What I do know about my personal experience is that now I do feel "more" complete.

When my husband left here the other day we once again we had a long teary goodbye. I was completely overcome with emotion. It didn't matter that this is going to be a short break, I absolutely HATED saying goodbye to him again. Then I was mad at myself a little at how silly I was being but that "strong independent" girl inside was so confused and annoyed with my emotion and tears.Then I saw a good friend post something about her other half and how being with them makes it all better - she is in a similar long distance relationship so if anyone can relate.... It clicked - part of me WAS getting on a plane and the other part was going back to her parents. It really got me thinking a lot about these sayings. And while I don't think people are "incomplete" without significant others I do know that I feel better when I am near my husband.

Now that I have found my "missing piece" I have a better understanding of all this. I am happier now than I have ever been and I feel empty and a little depressed when we aren't together. I am lucky enough to have found someone who loves me deeply and unconditionally. Someone who's simple presence makes a lot of the everyday things seem less important. The time apart is HARD and it's harder now that we are married. We made a huge mistake by not spending these weeks together as opposed to mostly apart. We are both much better when we are together. We are better equipped to handle the little things life throws in our direction. I think that's why they refer to it as better half - you are better when you are together and you have each other to support!

Just a HUGE THANK YOU

Wow, that's pretty much all I can say. We did it - twice and if we thought St Barth was perfect for its intimacy then New York was perfect for the details. It was a LOT of work to get there but in the end, I couldn't be happier with the results. Surrounded by most of the significant people in my life, we got to celebrate the night away. There were some very important people who for various good reason were unable to be there and were missed but we still felt their presence and support and that is what matters.

We continue to sit in amazement at how lucky we are. I want to take a moment to thank some folks that were the "behind the scenes" working on so many of the details that made the night so special. First to the folks at Abigail Kirsch for the food and the overall organization of the night. To Scratch DJs an specifically DJ Vida who had everyone's feet hurting the next morning - always a good sign. The Glass Houses that provided the most incredibly backdrop of the NYC and NJ skylines and one of the most spectacular sunsets I have ever seen.  To Angelo Lambrou who created the PERFECT dress for me - you are a GENIUS. To my uncle who made sure that some of the men looked sharp. To Renny & Reed who's flowers were elegant and a perfect reflection.To Lela Edgar who's photographic genius captured the evening. To Corey for the taking the video and getting it in a format that we will always have. Finally, to my dear friend Masha who created a beautiful memory for us with that slideshow and helped with so many of the little details - words can not express our gratitude. If anyone reading this needs any of these services - ask me how to contact these people because they were all amazing!!!!

My father made the most beautiful toast and we will cherish that speech always. Our friend David told our story from his point of view and got everyone to laugh and gave me a little insight to what was happening when we weren't together. By the time I was supposed to speak I was already so overwhelmed there was little to say other than THANK YOU!

All of these details helped us celebrate and get to enjoy this time together. There were so many little things that were done for reasons other than "it's really pretty." We really wanted to celebrate "us" and get my NYC friends and Family a little taste of St Barth. The colors were a reflection of the place we met, the location was to view where I was from, the food included some of our favorite things, the music was meant to show off who we are. We named the tables after some of significant spots for us - yes they were all in St Barth but we wanted to bring that to NYC. My focus was that is was a reflection of us - I hope we came through, I think we did.

But really the evening was so great because of the people that were there. You all play a very important part of my life and now our lives. Some of you traveled very far to be there - that means the world to us. Others had pregnant bellies and or kids at home which I know makes it tough to get away. Even for those of you thatOur journey to this point was made possible mostly by the love and support we got during our journey - and maybe a little patience than either of. You were the shoulders I leaned on when the days apart became unbearable, you were the ears that listened when I questioned myself, you were the voices of encouragement when I made some of the toughest decisions in my life to get here. In no way is this journey done - it's just now beginning. I sincerely hope that some day every single one of the people that were there (and the ones that couldn't) come to visit to see where we fell in love and our new home!

I Remember

It's been 11 years and its yet so very very fresh. This day has always been a reminder of how lucky I was that day and how amazing New Yorkers are. I miss living in the city but I will always be a New Yorker. This day always brings with it such a rush of emotions because I remember it all.

I remember waking up getting ready for an early meeting, the meeting was cancelled at the 11th hour so instead of heading all the way downtown I went to the office.

I remember the crisp air and perfect sky and thinking how beautiful the city looked.

I remember being on the phone with my and my brother calling 5 or 6 times before I answered assuming he was calling about Yankee tickets he was supposed to pick up later

I remember him yelling at me for not answering sooner, I remember being annoyed then I remember all he could say was "they did it on purpose."

I remember not knowing what he was talking about and then we turned on the TV

I remember getting in a cab and going home

I remember the there was no meter that day we just listened in silence as the towers fell, i didn't know any of the people that got in that cab with me

I remember the calls from some amazing friends on the west coast to make sure I was OK

I remember waiting for word from my roommate that she was ok

I remember seeing her walk in the door and knew that what she had witnessed she would never forget

I remember frantically dialing people and getting everyone accounted for

I remember walking through the park and getting my friend Doug on the phone - he was safe.

I remember picking up my cousin from school and looking around and children were waiting news of parents who worked there

I remember just sitting in front of the TV in shock

I remember around 9pm thinking everyone had been accounted for and feeling so happy that my friends were ok, Feeling guilty knowing so many people weren't

I remember the phone ringing late and the voice on the other end and knew instantly that the tragedy hit people I care about and not knowing what to say

I remember waiting for news for days, news that we knew wasn't coming but still hoped

I remember seeing my old friend and thinking how silly we had been and without a word we hugged and it was the past, this is what mattered now

I remember how we came together to celebrate lives cut way too short

I remember how the city and the country changed forever

I remember the smell of smoke for days

I remember the first time I drove up the turnpike and didn't see those towers sparkle in the skyline

I remember it all so very clearly

Like many of you I will NEVER EVER forget that day or the friends I lost or their families as they relieve it. I will never forget that day or the weeks following and how we all came together. How strangers helped each other. I was then and still am proud to be a New Yorker even if my address has changed.