Thursday, June 28, 2012

Suburgatory????

I know, I am ripping off the title of a show, they show it on United and I have seen a few episodes. It's about a teenage girl and her father that move from the city to the suburbs. I'm living it right now and I have to tell you the title is very appropriate for my current state of mind. It's a play or purgatory - or "limbo." It's where I am right now. I don't live in the city any more, and until I get that pesky little Visa, I don't live in St. Barth and I don't really live with my parents either. 

You see at 40, I moved a lot of my stuff back into my childhood home, so when I am not with my future husband, I am with my parents. This way of living can be fun - I mean there is something incredibly comforting about being with your parents - no one can put up with my current state of mind the way they do. BUT I have been on my own for 22 years - and living in cities (DC or NYC) for all of that time with the exception of the first 2 years out of college. Needless to say, it's quite a bit of an adjustment.

I REALLY miss the city - even my life in St Barth is more city like than it is here. The things I miss most - walking my dog in the park in the morning - nothing put a smile on my face more than seeing that little nutjob running free. Walking everywhere - you really can't walk anywhere - i try but you really need to drive. Food variety - the only thing you really can get delivered is Pizza. And the freedom of seeing folks whenever I want. 

Now it's not like I didn't know all this, but living it is very different. I feel like I am in this limbo - I don't REALLY live here and i don't REALLY live there either. I am close enough that i can see the skyline, but getting into to see friends is not so easy. I am in the same room I was in when I was a child - but both brothers have lived there since so any signs of me are long gone. And while I do love sports, the framed linup cards and photos of professional athletes is not exactly the decor I would go for.  

I head back to St. Barth tomorrow and can't wait - not just because my love is there although I am VERY VERY excited to see him. But because I get a little bit of city life back. I can walk everywhere, we do go out to more often than I do now, and slowly but surely, the place is starting to at least feel a little bit like mine.

I know this sounds like whining and I'm sorry for that but the reality is, for me being in limbo if frustrating - i just want to get to the end game...but alas there is that pesky Visa issue....

Monday, June 25, 2012

Missing You

I can't believe it's been six years since I got that phone call. I was walking down a street in San Francisco when my brother called to tell me. I was in denial for a full day or so, not someone so full of life. You were on your way to visit your daughter, on a plane. Everything changed that night, I just didn't know it yet. The next two weeks felt like two years. My flight back to NY seemed to last forever, I am pretty sure I cried the whole way home.

I want you to know that we are all good. I'm getting married, you know that. We're working on the details now - you were supposed to be a huge part of this. We went to see you yesterday, but that's not where you are, I don't like going to that place, it's just a building. Mom started telling you about the plans - I couldn't stay. You aren't there. 

The thing is you are here - always. I still hear your voice. I hear you telling me to enjoy this time, to let my mom win on some things, but to make sure it's still my party. You were there when I tried on dresses and shoes. You were there when I sat with the florist, and you'll be there when we say I do.

There will be champagne, and dancing and lots and lots of happiness. There will even be peonies in the fall. But you won't be there in person and you aren't here to help with some of the details that I know you would have enjoyed being a part of. You would have talked me into spending more on some things than we wanted - because I will only get married once (or 3 times to the same person).  

But you are here every day - I know you know all the details and are probably helping in ways we don't see.  So thank you. But it would have been better if you were here so I could see your smile that day and dance with you that night. I miss you.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

My 15 Minutes

So this weekend I got my fifteen minutes of fame - or as a friend of mine put it 3:30. As if what has happened in the last year and half hasn't been crazy enough, I had the opportunity to be interviewed on the CBS Morning Show this weekend. Apparently my little blog is getting read by more people than I thought and it's pretty exciting for me. I mean I am writing this blog mostly for myself, but also for anyone who thinks my story is interesting. I guess some of you actually do because it was a reader of the blog that sent it off to Nicole Williams and that's how I got to be part of the segment about Singlism in the Workplace click on this link to see the segment.

Last week my "I Have a Life" post seemed to strike a chord with lots of people. Since I ended up on the national news I want to expand on what was discussed offline and more on my feelings on this subject. First of all, in no way am I a victim here, yes I often made sacrifices for my career, but those were choices I made. In many ways, I brought it on myself. I did say "yes" every time. I think if you polled all of my former employers they would all agree that I never said no when many of my peers did. So in a way, by not pushing back, I was encouraging the behavior.

The choice was really for me, what was important to me. I THOUGHT it was my career. I realized, after many years, I wanted more of a personal life, again this was a very personal decision. This goes back to choices. There are no victims unless you allow it. This is not to say it won't happen, but know that you do have a choice.

Employers, I do hope this makes you think a little more though about some of your single employees. I mean really, dating in NYC is tough enough, if we are always at work, we have no hope of ever not be single :)
Seriously though, next time you assume a single person doesn't have important obligations outside of work simply because they don't have a family of their own - think about it. Because they haven't given birth doesn't mean they don't have a family. Family is often more than a genetic connection (more on this in another post). At the very least, spread it around a little more.

I do need to thank Nicole Williams, Jill Jacinto, Marci Waldman, Rebecca Jarvis & Jeff Glor and all the other wonderful people at CBS for this great opportunity and making me feel at ease (and pretty) during the process. It was a fantastic opportunity and I do really appreciate it!




Monday, June 18, 2012

I Hate Moving

There is just no way to sugar coat my moving process - it has been the most complicated move ever. You see normally when people move, everything gets packed up at one location and all gets moved to another. Not this girl, nope, I now have possessions in 4 different locations and it has made this move painful and complicated and more emotional than I was prepared for. Since I can't legally move to St. Barth full-time until after we get married and really won't be doing it until the beginning of the next high season in November it complicates the move.

The day the movers showed up I was nothing short of a basket case. Watching complete strangers pack my things and knowing my city life was ending was emotional...but then came the hard part. I am very slowly moving some items to my new home - you see two single men lived there before so things like matching sheets, pillows for guests, and decent kitchen supplies well let's just say they aren't a priority. So being in my new home with very few of my things is hard.

Then there is the stuff that is in storage - all my "good" stuff is there and moving it south - well despite the outward appearance of moving to someplace as seemingly glamorous as St Barth - I am NOT independently wealthy and to move these things could be cost prohibitive - this is something I am still investigating. Some of my things are in temporary residence at a friends, that is actually comforting - they should be used and enjoyed, not locked away in a 10x10 room for who knows how long.

And then there is my temporary residence with my parents, who I adore, but let's face it I am 40 and living with mom and dad is not easy on any of us. First I still have a ton of stuff that needs to be sorted through - storage, junk, st. barth, give away....this is a process I have gone through almost every day for the last week. Then there is just the overall difference in daily life - no central park to take the dog to in the morning, sharing a bathroom, and sharing meals with people that I have developed a different diet from over the last 20 or so years not living under their roof.

I can't wait until the process is over, I am starting to see the light, but next time I move - it's all going to the same place. And GOD WILLING, I'll just have it all shipped to a final destination. For now - I am searching for things that I am sure will show up eventually, finding things that I haven't seen since I moved INTO the last apartment, and sorting through memories of the last 15+ years of my life that bring a mix of smiles, tears, and out right belly laughs. One thing that won't happen - I won't be moving it to 4 different locations!


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Walking Through Doors

A friend of mine posted this quote on Facebook the other day "There are some doors in life you need to go through alone." from Joe vs. the Volcano. It was so on point with so much that going on in my life right now. I have an unbelievable support system - I am one of the luckiest people I know in this respect - my family is incredibly close, I have a very large group of friends and confidants that I trust, amazing friends, but there are a lot of aspects of this journey I had to do on my own, for me.

I had to make the decision to quit my job on my own - especially since I didn't have another one locked in. I had to decide to allow myself to fall in love with the most unlikely match on my own and I had to make the decision to leave NY on my own. It's not to say I didn't have help and support, I had tons, but the decisions they had to be mine and mine alone. I had to decide if I really wanted to allow myself to fall in love then I was the only one that had to decide if that love was worth me leaving the life that I had spent 39 years forming.

The thing about doors is, unless they are made of glass you can't see through what's on the other side. You have to trust when that door opens you can handle whatever is on the other side. I had to trust my gut on this and I couldn't allow myself to be influenced by the people that I know love me wanting me to stay. It was time for me to take a new kind of risk.

I didn't approach these decisions lightly but I didn't approach them the way I have approached so much in my life - with tons of input from my family & friends. Actually, if I listened to what a lot of you were saying and THINKING in the beginning I would not have taken this rout. Don't think for one second that I don't know that most of the people closest to me think/thought that I had completely lost my mind. I know you did, hey you might still. Maybe I am  - but I don't think so. I think I am happy. I was the only person who was living in my life, I was the only person who knew that this relationship was different, I was the only person who knew that despite everything that I had lived knew that this journey was the one that was going to make me happy.

All of this said, I was able to go through those doors alone because of the amazing people in my life. Because I know my family and friends love me for me and not for the job I have, the apartment I live in or who I am married to. So while I didn't lean on many of you to help me make the decisions, I knew you were there and I love you all for it! So thank you for being ready to support me when I was ready for the support and thank you for sticking by me even if you think I am nuts!



Monday, June 11, 2012

Thank You Skype

So last week I sort of ranted a bit about working in digital. I want to clarify, I actually LOVED most of my jobs. I have worked with amazing people and have built a network that is full of the most talented people I know and am so proud to be part of this digital community. So I figured in the interest of staying balanced I'd like to thank a few services out there in the digital space.

For those of you in the space - I don't need to tell you what an incredible industry it is. We work hard and play hard and it really is a tight community. Heck it's changed the way all of us live our everyday life - and we all know it and that's why I became and plan on staying a part of it! We collectively have made life better for hundreds of millions of people. Social networks have reconnected old friends, information is available on billions of topics with the touch of a button, you can talk face to face with someone thousands of miles away FOR FREE - we are living in the Jetson era and it's all possible because of the digital tech world.

Skype is a big reason why my new life has become possible and why it came to fruition. I could have never imagined this when I took that vacation to St Barth 14+ months ago that it would be remotely possible for this all to happen and today I have Skype to thank for the strength of my relationship AND the ability for me to work in this great industry from afar.

While our relationship was starting, we mainly used skype to communicate. It allowed us to get to know each other even though we weren't in the same room. In this age of texting and email,  we were able to talk face to face on an almost daily basis even though we were close to 2000 miles apart. We even said those very special words for the first time to each other on Skype - there are two girls that I am sure are reading this (CP & KS) that know EXACTLY what I am talking about - btw - thank you girls for helping to keep me sane that day :)

In my professional life, I was able to set up a consultancy based in the states but am able to run it from where ever in the world I am because I was able to get a US skype number and have skype on my cell and iPad so no matter where I was I could make and receive calls and no one needs to know exactly where I am.

For me, Skype is the most obvious contributor to my current position so I call it out specifically. But for those of you not in the space, I know many of you complain about "privacy" online or get frustrated when free services change the ways they work. I urge you all to remember that these services are free and there are thousands of people working their buts off to make them possible. Think about these services that most of you use without spending a dime and the benefits you get for using them: Facebook, Google, Skype,  ANY online publication, Spotify etc. I'm lucky enough to be consulting in the mobile space now too - so many companies that make our every day lives easier. So for me - THANK YOU is a small token of my appreciation to an industry that, while at times has driven me nuts, has also given me so very much.






Friday, June 8, 2012

Feeling Local?

Who of you when you have been on vacation always say you want to go "where the locals are?" My bet it's most of you, especially you New Yorkers - we are the worst. Well being local is a pretty big deal when you live in what is primarily a tourist location. Here is no different. There are benefits to being a local - whether it's knowing what's the best day of the week to go food shopping or which restaurants offer a more, um affordable? lunch deal.

For me it's more about feeling like a belong. I already have that French thing to tackle - but the good news it's getting a little better. Store owners are starting to recognize me - at least the ones I am in often enough, same at restaurants. A few things that help - my ability to tan well and quick - thanks mom and dad for those genes, being seen with my fiance who despite his somewhat shy demeanor knows a lot of people and has nice group of friends, and the fact that I can now at least fake my French enough when picking up everyday essentials.

Now to why it's really important to be local - it's expensive, very expensive. Since it's so small imports all come a significant price, restaurants are after the jet set tourists not the local dive shop owner. The good news is the locals take care of the locals and almost anywhere you go there is a local price. Sometimes its just a small difference, sometimes it can be significant.

Yesterday I went to buy my ferry ticket as I will be heading back to New Jersey - yep not New York City today for a few weeks. When I went to pay the ticket agent said - "you live on the island, right?" I said yes - it actually felt good. The bonus, a round trip ferry ticket at the residents price - which was a very significant discount.

It's not that I didn't know about the discount, but after spending the last year observing some of the local interactions, it felt good to finally be able to say that I am one - even though I don't totally feel it yet. But I'm getting there.

Monday, June 4, 2012

I Have a Life

So I know most of my posts are focused on the romance of all this. Girl goes on vacation, girl meets boy, girl throws caution to the wind quits her job and moves to the Islands. Obviously there is a bit more too it than that - I'm not what one would consider "irresponsible" or a "flake." So today, I am going to focus on some of the events that happened professionally over a very long period of time that helped feed this decision. The biggest - was the fact that I had gotten to the point in my professional career that if you weren't in digital marketing, I didn't necessarily get to see you no matter how close a friend you were. The problem was not and is not restricted to me. It's a problem that happens across all of corporate america and I recently heard two core aspects of the problem addressed - once in the Wall Street Journal and once in Cheryl Sandburg's HBS speech.

See I had two things working against my ability to "have a life." I'm a woman, and I am single. I know many of my former employers if you read this may think that it's not accurate - but I assure you, it is. It's not done consciously, I don't think, but it happens. Yes I was career focused - I loved what I did - I still do - but the hours, the pressure and the expectations were not conducive to having a life.

Growing up in digital, I didn't have a Cheryl Sandburg - I wish I did. I applaud her for not being afraid to be a woman and not being afraid to leave work at a reasonable hour - and to now actually TALK about it - bravo. What I had was a lot men in roles that I aspired to have. Almost all my direct peers were men and let's face it - you can't be in the boys club if you are woman. So I hung with the boys but you, I was a girl. So when i was tough I was a bitch, and when I was successful it was because I was sleeping with my boss. I have NEVER slept with any of my bosses and never took things like that as more than jealousy - but it happened. A LOT. That's was the big challenge of being a woman - you begin to feel that's all normal. Again, I was not fortunate enough to have a female mentor. And those kinds of things wear on you. 

Then there was the "being single" thing. You see, my time outside of the office was somehow not as valuable as others because I did not have a family to go home to at night. I heard this from more than one employer. Now I know that when you have children you can't leave them home alone - so I'm not saying that. BUT there were so many times when stuff was assigned to me because a peer couldn't do it. Conferences that started on weekends, meetings across country, projects that had to be done on Monday that popped up Friday late. All often ended up getting dumped on me. In the last 18 years I have missed friends weddings, broadway shows where I had bought tickets, vacations where I worked the entire time or cancelled because  - well it's not like having a kid. No it's not but it doesn't make it right. 

People just expected me to jump in, and I did because you had to do the "little extra." So I saw friendships deteriorate because of it and the time that I spent with my family diminish and I started to resent this type of work. I was tired, very tired and I didn't even realize it for a while. Now here's where my fiance comes into play. When he first met my parents we were having dinner and the usual questions were being fired around. At one point he said something to the effect "i love what I do so I don't really work - I am living my dream." At that point I had quit my job, but I was considering other roles that would have been even bigger and even more demanding. I wanted that - I wanted a life. So now I think I have one. 

I'm not saying not to work hard or expect folks to pay their dues and put in the hours - especially in digital. It's just that we all have things to do, and because one is a woman or doesn't have children, doesn't mean their time is less valuable. 

I'm sure this post may be controversial to some of you. But it is reality. So I ask this of those of you reading this in power positions - think before you consistently ask that person without a "family" to work late or skip personal obligations for work - we all need time away from work. And if you happen to be a woman - mentor other women. There are not enough great women executives out there - but I am sure there are many that could be.


Saturday, June 2, 2012

I Get it Now

First all, apologies for the quiet - this blog is actually very important to me and I have actually started several posts but they don't feel done yet. Anyway, to today's post "i get it now" a friend said that to me yesterday. The same friend is actually staying with us for a few days - yes we have our first official house guests. I have to say I wasn't really to surprised to hear what was next - that a lot of people didn't understand my decisions. They don't understand why I would leave NY, my family, and my friends now.

Well that's the thing - I made these decisions for me, which is not something I have done a whole lot of over the years. I am a lot of things, selfish isn't one of them. I have usually made sacrifices for the people around me - it's part of who I am. I like to help and I don't do well at saying no a lot of times. But my decision to leave NYC - a city I will always love and move to St Barth was one I did for me. Ok, for US. 

It's was not a sacrifice to move here - I'm in paradise and I am with a man who loves me as much as I love him. In this crazy world we live in I really can't think of a better reason. I know I left a lot of career opportunity on the table, but I am currently working close to full time on two clients and right now couldn't take on another if I wanted to and I am doing things that I love - I'm still selling and I'm also working with both organizations on their future direction - it's challenging but fun at the same time. So I still work - I just don't work 80 - 90 hours a week any more, I believe in my clients and they believe in me, and I have a life.

But back to the real reason I moved - we are very much in love and I think it's pretty obvious but if you haven't seen us together I guess I can understand - it doesn't make a whole lot of sense on paper. We've been through some tough stuff together, personally and professionally and we support each other when we need it. The relationship grew over time but it was pretty strong from the beginning - he made it impossible not to fall in love with him. You see ladies - and I'm not making a lot of friends here - my fiance is romantic - not in the candy and flowers way but with words and gesture - there's a look that he gives me and I melt. We walk down the street and he will gently reach for my fingers to interlock - it's one of the best feeling in the world.

I'm happier when I am here - that I know now - and not just when we are out diving or enjoying the area, in our everyday life, I am happier. The location helps - but its the person I am going to share my life with and his heart that I made this decision for and that makes me happy.